


Pick Up The Pieces

by Tiny_Breegull



Series: Pick Up The Pieces [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Friendship, Homosexual, Hurt/Comfort, Izumo - Freeform, Kotetsu - Freeform, Love, Lust, M/M, Yaoi, disgust, happiness, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-25 08:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12031611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiny_Breegull/pseuds/Tiny_Breegull
Summary: They've always been regarded as 'Kotetsu and Izumo', but what if someone were to look beyond the paired titling? What exactly goes on underneath those smiles and playful attitudes? Why is it that they're together and maybe, just maybe, everyone has them pegged wrong.





	1. Angst

Attraction can often be confused with what humans deem as lust. Albeit there's a considerable amount of differences if you were to break it down and closely inspect it, but the symptoms are more often than not the same: increased heart rate, continuously thinking about them and butterflies. This is indeed what Kotetsu Hagane was having to cope with internally on a daily basis. It's not something that he controlled his life over however, but it irked him since it happened every day.  
The same recurring dream had infiltrated Kotetsu's subconscious night after night for the past three weeks, and he was over it. It was always the same: he would be attending to his usual gate keeping duties with Izumo, playing yet another round of Rickety Kate with a worn and fraying set of playing cards when, for some reason, he would find himself pressed tightly down on the floor after Izumo pounced on him spontaneously before murmuring a string of breathy words in his ear. It would set Kotetsu's heart racing and his palms begin to sweat, afraid of touching him to push him off lest it trigger some other effect on his partner. Izumo would then proceed to nip at his collar bone and whisper.

'I need you Tets... Right now...I can't fight it anymore...'

The split second before the phantom's lips would clamp down on his own, he would awake; shaking, covered in cold sweats, blood pounding in his ears and an ache in his abdomen where he knew that only a moment before he had been erect through his boxers and sweatpants. It left him in a foul mood, mainly consisting of tiredness, frustration and confusion. This morning, however, he had finally reached breaking point. With a sigh he slid out of bed and traipsed rather precariously to his alcohol cabinet, pulling a bottle of sake out and downing a mouthful without hesitation. It was a crisp night, the burning liquid sliding down the back of his throat which made his breath mist up in front of him as he sighed again. Before long he had downed another bottle and then a third. It was only through the fourth bottle in his hands that he fell into a clouded haze and passed out in a crumpled mess against the wall; for once dreaming of nothing but the black behind his eyelids.  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x  
'Tets...Tets wake up!'

A sharp prod in the ribs and Kotetsu sat bolt upright, hastily wiping a small glistening trail of drool from the corner of his mouth before holding his head, his black spikes of hair limp with exhaustion.  
Izumo's mouth twisted into a concerned line as his wide eyes studied his friend closely.

'Tets, what's going on? You look a right state and that's the second time I've had to wake you up before you got caught.'  
His eyes sharpened and clicked onto Kotetsu's heavily lidded pair.

'You've had a bender, haven't you?'  
With a groan and rubbing his temples, he nods simply, feeling Izumo's scowl in his direction.

'Don't start...don't start with me, Iz...'

'I'm not starting on you Tets, I'm just worried about you.'

Izumo shifts his position, looking at him like a psychiatrist would observe a patient.

'You knew we had gate duty today so why? Why did you get plastered?'

'Because I've got...never mind.'  
'I do mind.'

'Well you shouldn't.'

'Kotetsu, what's wrong? I just want to help.'

Kotetsu bit back a cruel retort and simply sighed.

'...just haven't been sleeping well, buddy...that's all.'

Izumo let out the slightest sigh of relief, and patted his back which sent shivers into Kotetsu at his touch.  
'Why don't you go see Sakura? She's developed a pretty heavy sleeping drug. Works well.'

He pondered for a moment whether it was worth getting up to see her for help. He also considered leaping out of the booth and begging for a dose but his headache banned him to his seat, crippling him with a splitting pain that refused to settle.

'Nah, it'll pass...oh my head feels like it’s been cleaved in two...'

'I have little sympathy for you, but I'd like to help.' Izumo replied, leaning back in his own chair and staring at the sky. 'Why not crash at my place tonight Tets. Might stop you from-'

'No!' Kotetsu interjected, much too quickly to cover up successfully and a look of hurt crossed Izumo's features.

'...okay then...door's open though...'

With a sad look, Izumo glanced at his friend and a heavy pang of sadness filled his heart. They had never acted this way before, but something was definitely wrong with Kotetsu and it was cause for alarm. Sure, they had been hung-over before but it was rare for them to drink alone.  
Kotetsu sagged onto the bench, his face buried in his arms as remorse flooded through him. He had never snapped at Izumo before and it just made him feel worse. Raising his head doggedly, he leaned into Izumo's shoulder, lightly nuzzling into it.

'I'm sorry man...I've got something on my mind is all.'

'You know you can talk to me, dumbass. It's why I'm here, as well as getting plastered together next time, okay?'

'...maybe another time, okay?'

Izumo lightly shoved the other body off of him and noogied him roughly.

'You're such a fucking drongo Kotetsu.' Izumo smirked, pulling out a deck of cards from a pocket of his pants and shuffling them expertly. 'It's no wonder I save your sorry ass almost every shift.'

'I'm the drongo?! Who was it that had to pull you away from Genma last week when you so cleverly managed to attach the two you of you in, what was it? 'A clever and manly way to seduce a woman with your sticky trap syrup?''

'Whatever man. You're just jealous of it.'

'Bullshit.'

'Just play your hand, dummy.'

Kotetsu lazily flicked down a card to the pile, a small unusual bubble developing in his stomach. This all seems too familiar to him, and the bubble turned into a feeling of anticipation. A few more hands are played and the feeling grew. Something was going to happen and it was imminent, small beads of sweat forming on the back of Kotetsu's neck.

'Tets, you look worried. Afraid you'll lose?' Izumo smirked as he lay down the Queen of Hearts to the pile

Queen of Hearts...  
Queen of Hearts...  
Rickety Kate!  
The cards fell from fumbling fingers before they flew up to cover his mouth; wide eyed with fear as the blood drained from his face. Before he realised, Kotetsu had vomited spectacularly into the nearby bin and fell onto the floor before blacking out.


	2. Confess

A dense weight was pressing on Kotetsu hips and a strange noise was filling the air around him. It's sounded familiar, whatever it was. Perhaps a voice calling to him? It was possible. As he slowly creeped out of the darkness, the deep watery noise became clear as it formed itself into words.

'...Tets...Kotetsu...

...

...

...

Tets I _need_ you... Right now...'

Through the swampy fog in his brain, Kotetsu was slowly coming back to his senses, but it was just in time to see Izumo's figure bent over him, hands shaking his shoulders just to try and wake him up. It was only by coincidence that his face was a few inches away at this point in time. He had noticed Kotetsu's eyes beginning to open and he was checking for dilation of the pupils. Kotetsu, however, believed it to be for an entirely different reason and scrambled out from underneath Izumo's toned body. He huddled in the corner of the booth, hugging his knees to his chest avoiding his crotch from view since his nether regions had been unfaithful and he was sporting a stoic member now.

He felt as if he could cry, but that would make the situation even more awkward than what it already was, so he swallowed his tears and simply stared.

'Kotetsu, are you alright?' Izumo pressed, reaching out his hand to brace the trembling man before him but his hand was slapped away.

'Don't touch me.' He whispered, avoiding his eyes.

'Tets-'

'Don't _touch_ me!'

In a flash, he was on his feet and leapt out over the counter and sprinted away, ignoring his friends pleads to return. Befuddled and hurt, Izumo slumped back into the chair, his mind reeling and trying to comprehend what just happened and why the sudden change in mood. He had no choice but to finish the shift and cover both of their duties with waning attention due to his mind having run off with his raven-haired friend.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

Laden in a thick quilt, Kotetsu sat on his bed with a steaming tea in his hands. His first instinct was to raid his cupboard again but after he rummaged through the variety of liqueurs and elixirs, nothing called to him, especially since he had vomited again so tea was his safest option aside from water. A sniffle and he angrily wiped away the tears that were welling up in his eyes. His insides felt colder than ice, his stomach dropped and he it was twisted into a sever knot that left him aching painfully.

Since he had bolted from his job earlier, he knew that there would be repercussions for abandoning his post, but if he pleaded to the Hokage his situation perhaps, just perhaps, Naruto would spare it just this once. He had done nothing but prepare his beverage and curl up in a ball on the squishy mattress; a vain attempt at consoling his shaken nerves and eliminating the thought from his mind. It was now that he knew where he stood: he had feelings for his partner that he neither understood nor desired. Feeling helpless and defeated, he jumped to the conclusion that he would have no chance, even if he wanted it. Sadly, he buried his tears in the hot tea as he sipped, ignoring any chance of stemming the rivers from his eyes. He sniffled and hugged his quilt tighter, wishing he could turn back time and rethink his decision about drinking away his feelings because clearly, the answer wasn't at the bottom of a sake bottle. Or four.

Wouldn't it be better to just clear the air between them before it became messy and much worse than it already was? Sure, you can run out on a friend, but you only let it happen once in your life, and he had used his only opportunity. What a pointless time to use it. Why couldn't he just tell Izumo how he felt? Oh, that's right. Homosexual relationships in the village are frowned upon, unusual and in a sense, taboo. Claim you're anything but 'straight' and you'll be glared at, turned away and even whispered about. Truly, that's a worse situation then death. This was probably the reasoning behind all of Kotetsu's angst and sadness; the fact that even if he were to admit to himself that yes, this is what he wants, it'd have to be secret, in the shadows; away from the prying eyes of the villagers and other nin. It may as well not exist.

Hours trickled by and he found solace in staring at the wall, only now noticing how many intricate patterns and swirls in the wooden panels there were. Occasionally the silence was broken by the twittering of a bird or the sip of his tea; though majority of the time it was spent in a pressing silence as the sun slowly descended in the sky; its amber rays melting into the wooden bedroom through a slit in the curtain. Kotetsu watched it move along the floor; a single golden ream snaking across the floor as the sun dropped lower and lower. His thick eyes drooped lightly as he sat, his eyes finally dry but tinted red around the rims from his salty tears. A shadow broke the sunset, causing him to look up and his heart caught in his throat.

'Can I come in?' Izumo asked softly, crouching on the balcony outside, afraid to enter like he normally would. A small nod and he slipped in through the open window and stood against the wall, observing the shaken, pale chūnin before him. It was sickly just to look at him, and his own stomach twisted.

'What's going on Tets?' He pressed, deciding that beating around the bush was not an option. 'And cut the lies this time. _That_ wasn't due to lack of sleep.'

Kotetsu avoided the pair of eyes scanning over him, almost burning into his skin which every glance.

'Would you stop looking at me like that?' he said, a small fire of anger being stoked to life.

'Not until you tell me what the hell's going on with you.'

'Why do you care so much about me?!'

'Because I _always have_ Kotetsu! Why should now be any different?!'

'Because _I'm_ different, Izumo!' he blurted out, unable to stop the words from falling from his mouth. He lifted his gaze from the inside of his mug and stared at the other chūnin, fear laced in his eyes. They pleaded for help, for understanding and above all, to be noticed. Kotetsu felt like he was dying on the inside, but now was the opportunity and if he didn't grab it with both hands, it would disappear.

'What do you mean " _you're different_ "?' Izumo scoffed, taking a step closer to him, shaking his head as the other man tried to scramble away further, succeeding in backing himself into the headboard.

'Everyone is different, Kotetsu. That's the point of being human, dumbass.'

'You...you don't understand...'

'Try me! It's why I covered your shift _yet again_ and why I'm here in the first place!' A look of hurt flickered over Izumo's face. 'I thought you trusted me...'

'I...I do, just-'

'Then what the fuck's going _on_?!'

'I think I'm in love with you!'


	3. Unease

Tension filled the air between them. Tension so think you could cut it with a katana. Izumo stared dumbfounded, words trying to scramble out of his throat but to no effect. Silence pressed down on both of them, stamping out the rest of the world and forcing them to have no choice but to look at one another, waiting for the other person to speak first. Kotetsu trembled in his blanketing, shaking so vigorously that his edges appeared blurry.

'...say that again?' Izumo said, breaking the silence; his voice almost foreign to his ears. The question hung in the air between them, like a dead weight that refused to budge.

'You...you heard me...' Kotetsu stammered, unable to break his gaze from Izumo's dark eyes, piercing into him as if they were a threat.

'I...I think I'm...in...in love...'

He took a shuddering breath, feeling smaller and smaller with every ticking second.

'With you.' He whispered, cutting off eye contact and staring at his feet, his face burning a terrific crimson and his heart hammering furiously against his rib cage; almost as if it was bruising him internally.

Izumo slumped onto the foot of the bed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He pulled off his bandana and fidgeted with it in his hands.

'...that is what you said.'

It was almost as if Izumo was trying to convince himself that he had said something completely different, something casual like "Hey, I just made some tea, want some?" But no, he hadn't. Loudly, his best friend for countless years just admitted to something personal, scandalous even, and it regarded him just as much.

'You...you must hate me...'

'No Kotetsu, I don't hate you.'

'But...but it's...wrong.'

'Wrong? In what universe is this _wrong_?!'

'This one! You know how they talk about me already!'

'They talk about _us_ that way. It's not only _you_.'

'Izumo, I can't sleep because of it. All I...all I ever think about is you and it...'

He trail off, wrapping his arms around him, trying to protect himself from his own emotions, and any reaction from the brunette in front of him.

'It what, Tets? What is it?'

'It hurts because...you don't feel the same.'

'You don't know that.'

'What do you mean?'

'You don't know how I feel.' Izumo simply put, staring at the ceiling with his arms folded.

Kotetsu narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously, the gears in his brain clicking to life to make sense of his words.

'Doesn't matter, I know who you're into anyway.'

'Really? If you're talking about Shizune, that was one fuck and it was over pretty quickly.'

'Bullshit. You're just saying that.'

'No. Really. Ask her if you have to.'

Kotetsu fumed slightly. Why wasn't he taking this as seriously as it should be? Surely he understood what this means, and how much of a toll it was taking on his sanity? Of course he did, but there he sat, unmoved and uninterested staring at the ceiling. It made his blood boil.

Izumo, however, understood perfectly what was going on, and was trying to find the best words to describe his own situation. But perhaps, words were not what was necessary in times like this. Maybe, just maybe, this would work, and he can finally tell him his side of the story.

As if on cue, the lights flicked off simultaneously and everything was switched off. A power cut at this time? Perfect. Silently, Izumo pulled himself up and ghosted closer to Kotetsu, who had finally decided that his body had seized up enough and time to stretch. Personally, he took this darkness as a gift, letting himself hide his embarrassed features. Izumo, however, took grace in this the blackness for his own purposes and tried to calm his now rattled nerves.

Izumo's hand groped out for him in the darkness, his fingers brushing the ends of Kotetsu's spikes. Tenaciously, he took a step forward, before sliding his fingers through the inky tresses in a soft massage. In the darkness he had found his bearings and pulled himself close to his friend.

'Tets?' He whispered softly.

'Yeah buddy?'

'If I did something...would you hate me for it?'

A small moment of silence, Izumo's breath started to quicken in suspense.

'Izumo, I can never hate you...'

Slowly, cautiously, his fingers trailed down the back of Kotetsu's neck, pulling him closer and closer until there was just a minuscule space between their faces in the dark. Izumo fell forward, taking this opportunity to press his lips to the tender pair waiting less than an inch before his. Kotetsu's body stiffened in surprise, mind whirling and heart pounding. Before he realised, he found himself leaning into the other man, fighting for dominance but his friend was much too powerful, pinning him against the wall.


	4. Decisions

Izumo snuffled before stretching out, feeling a satisfying series of clicks and pops through his spine. He blinked a couple of times before the oxygen in his brain woke him up. Patting his hand about blindly, he smiled as his hand brushed lightly over a familiar set of ribs. He slid his hand over Kotetsu's torso, but it felt different: tense, on edge. He opened his eyes and saw his partner, wide awake; his mouth taut in a grim, severe line.

'Tets, buddy. You okay?' He asked, shaking his head lightly to clear the sleep from his brain.

'Perfectly.' Kotetsu replied bluntly, staring at the ceiling.

'Liar. Talk to me.'

'What's there to talk about?' He rolled his eyes, still avoiding to look at Izumo's face.

'Well...last night-'

'I don't want to talk about it.' Kotetsu snapped, roughly throwing off Izumo's arm from his waist and peeling himself out of the sticky sheets. He scooped up his wayward underwear and pulled them on hurriedly, feeling Izumo's eyes burning into him from behind.

'Tets...' Izumo started, hurt by this obvious deflection.

'I'm going for a shower.'

Izumo sighed and fell back into the quilting, the squishy mattress that was once cloud-like now felt overwhelmingly suffocating to him. With a grunt of annoyance, he pulled himself out of the bed, shaking off the sheet stuck to his leg and collected his clothing.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'I still don't understand why you're so against, well, _you_.' Izumo said, placing a plate of pancakes in front of Kotetsu, who watched the syrup fall off the steaming golden discs and making a moat around them. He salivated slightly, eyes following the trail of steam rising into the air where it flickered and danced lazily before disappearing out of existence.

'It just doesn't feel right.' Kotetsu concluded lamely, toying with his food before taking a mouthful; the sweet syrup mixing with the savoury hot cakes perfectly. 'Good stuff, Iz.'

'Thanks, but I'm not straying from point.' Izumo sat down opposite his partner, watching him eat slowly.

'Tets, no one suddenly _decides_ that they're attracted to a particular person. It just happens.'

'But I've known you for years!'

'So?'

'So? _So?!_ I've just known you since I was fourteen and now...'

He stopped eating, and slumped back into his chair; a sadness grew behind his charcoal eyes.

'Now I have to deal with it all over again...'

Izumo looked at him quizzically.

'What do you mean again?'

Kotetsu sighed and mussed his spiky hair roughly. The cards were on the table now, and there was no turning back.

'Wait here.' He said, scraping back his chair and shuffling off back to the bedroom. He returned quickly, a small yellowed piece of paper between his index and middle finger. Taking a deep breath, he held it out to the brunette, waiting for him to take it.

'Here.' Kotetsu said simply.

'What’s this?'

'Take it...please.'

Izumo took it gingerly and unfolded it, noticing how sharp the creases were in the paper. It had not been unfurled since the day it was written, and his eyes scanned over the thin spidery writing, the inflections in the way the g's and y's flicked out longer than necessary. There was no doubt about it: this was younger Kotetsu's handwriting.

_ "Iz, _

_ I don't know how to start this. I'm not even sure if 'Iz' is the correct way to start this. Maybe I need to write your whole name... _

_ Or maybe I just need to stop trying to fool myself that I'm okay. Because clearly I'm not, and it's doing my fucking head in. _

_ I don't get it. I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm messed up but all I know is that...I just... need you. I can't stop thinking about you and it's more than just as a friend. I thought maybe writing this down would help me, but I don't think it is.  _

_ I don't know how to say this, but I really like you Iz, and I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy as it is, because it’s not natural to like other guys. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm a freak, disgusting for liking you. It's okay; I've heard it all before. I hear people whispering about me. It happens all the time, but I've learned to accept it. I feel dirty.  _

_ Maybe I shouldn't be your friend anymore. I know that you won't like to have a friend like me, and always feeling like you have to watch what you say and do around me. I don't want you to worry about if you're going to suddenly get jumped by me and...Anyway, I know who you like as it is. I always see you looking at her, like she's perfect. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe you'd ever look at me like that, but it's not going to happen. No one likes a person like...me. _

_ I just had to tell you. _

_ -K" _

Izumo's eyes clicked onto Kotetsu, who was poking at his pancakes with his cutlery.

'Why didn't you ever give this to me?' Izumo questioned lightly, reading over it again.

'I never could bring myself to.' Kotetsu simply put, finally taking another mouthful, trying to forget the events of last night which kept replaying in his head over and over again.

'Well, I just want to say one thing.'

'Mm?'

'You're an idiot.'

'That’s not the reaction I expected.'

An exasperated sigh fell from the brunette, and he folded the letter up again.

'Kotetsu, I wouldn't care more or less if you're gay. There's nothing wrong with it.'

'Come on, I was fourteen-'

'And you're twenty-eight now, and your opinion hasn't changed. My opinion of _you_ has _never_ changed.'

'I never told you-'

'You didn't have to.'

This remark caught Kotetsu by surprise. He blinked at Izumo, his eyebrow cocked.

'What makes you say this?'

'I had my suspicions about you. Really. And I didn't care about what the other students said. You were my friend, and that's what mattered. Fuck Tets, I'd run to the ends of the earth and back for you if I had to.'

'But you never said anything-'

'I didn't have to. Kotetsu, listen to me.'

Izumo took Kotetsu's hands in his, looking at him square in the eye.

'Kotetsu, I was in the same position you were.'

'...come again?'

'Nngn. I shouldn't have to say it this way...'

He took his own deep breath.

'Kotetsu, I was very much attracted to you. I felt the same, but I accepted it. Sure, it was a little shocking but, I accepted I was bi-sexual.'

'...bi-sexual...'

'Yes, Kotetsu. That's what I said.'

'...That would explain why you liked that other nin too...I don't remember her name...'

'Oh, Haruhi? No, she just had a nice ass and nice tits.'

Kotetsu's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. His stomach was doing triple flips and his heart was bruising his rib cage again. He shook his head, trying to collate this information. Izumo laughed lightly.

'All this secrecy for nothing, then.' Izumo said, patting the blistered hands in his own and returning to his breakfast. Kotetsu had long since forgotten about his appetite. He stared at is own plate, not seeing the food in front of him but was reliving his childhood memories. A few moments of silence passed until in a small voice, he broke it.

'Iz?' He said softly.

'Mm?'

'What does this make us?'

The onyx eyes before him squinted lightly in thought.

'Well...that's up to you.' He put simply, taking another mouthful of food.

'Up to me?'

'Mm hmm. You have two options to choose from. We can either let this pass as one mistake, and forget about it, or...'

Izumo looked at him, suddenly serious.

'We can take our relationship further. However.'

'However?'

'I refuse to be a fuck-buddy. We're either together or we're not. It's your choice.'

And that was it. The way he said choice indicated the end of the discussion, and he finished his plate. The word hung in the air between them, such a momentous word in those six little letters.

Did Kotetsu try to make something out of this? The prospect of it scared him, or rather, the idea of someone finding out was what scared him the most. He'd had to battle taunts and jeers of others in the community for so long, and even that set him on edge. But this, this was something much more dire, much more serious than just rumours and insinuations.

'Izumo.' He said, quietly but audible in a deep voice.

'Yeah Tets?'

'...I want to be with you.'


	5. Turnabout

It's the little things that make a relationship worthwhile, which is what Kotetsu was discovering. It had been a month since he and Izumo had broken down their name of 'friends' and upgraded from 'seeing each other' to 'a couple'. It had taken a little getting used to for Kotetsu to really appreciate the situation, since he was jumpy at almost every mention of his name. Paranoia had settled into a nice little nest in the recesses of his mind, but that's all it really was. He would flinch and burn a slight pink when the two of them were together in public, but then the realisation of that they were _always_ together to begin with snapped him back to his senses.

Izumo was much calmer about things, but he was always on the lookout. He was always so careful to prevent any sort of public display of affection leaking into the view of the public's eyes. It was irritating that they had to be so cautious around everyone, but that was the norm and preferred social etiquette. It hurt that they had to tiptoe around their relationship and everything was secret, but they were cunning, and developed their own ways of comforting each other amidst crowds. Majority of the time it was only a small pat on the knee under the bench in their booth, or a secret smile throughout the day.  
The nights, however, were so very different. They locked themselves away in seclusion, expressing themselves in every which way possible: cooking dinners, cuddling, wrestling and the odd occasion of casual sex. Everything a 'normal' couple could and would do.

When six months had passed, people began to notice the differences in them. They were much bouncier, brighter and smiling all the time. Most people assumed that they had an argument and patched things up and were back to normal, but only they knew the truth. If they were considered inseparable before, this was something else, to the point where conjoined twins would become jealous. Iruka was the first to notice, and brought it up in conversation at one of his gatherings, though due to missions and other requirements, it was just them and Genma, playing a humble game of poker.

'So.' Iruka started, sipping from a bottle of sake casually and looking over the hand he had been dealt. 'You two seem...different.'

'Different?' Izumo questioned, lightly playing with Kotetsu's foot under the table as he desperately trying not to laugh at the expression on his partner's face. 'However do you mean?'

'I mean-' Iruka added more chips to the pot in the centre of the table and calling out his raise. 'You're usually happy most of the time, but nowadays you're...ecstatic. All the time.'

Kotetsu and Izumo exchanged looks and just grinned. Boy, if only Iruka knew.

'We just have a new...outlook on life.' Kotetsu replied, setting his cards down on the table. 'Fold.'

'Turned over a new leaf, hmm?'

'...you could say that.'

Genma was watching them through half-closed eyes. They were different, almost strange.

'I would say one of them was laid.' He put, chewing on a pick and raising the bet with a handful of chips. 'Call.'

Iruka sniggered lightly.

'Of course you would. But then why would that make both of them happy?'

'Could have been with each other.' Genma sniggered, watching the two faces drop, his eyes widening with glee.

'Cut your shit, Genma.' Izumo spat, looking murderous at the other nin.

'Defensive now, are we?' He returned coyly, amused at the change in their façade. Tension rose between the three of them while Iruka watched them banter back and forth to each other, the words bouncing around like a tennis match.

'-shut up Genma. It's not like you've even fucked someone your own age!'

'What's _that_ got to do with anything?!'

'It's _vile_ , you dick! Taking advantage of younger women.'

'What’s vile is the idea of two _guys_ together-'

'Why? Compensating for your own feelings, Genma?!'

'Son of a _bitch_ , say that to my face!'

'Enough! All of you!' Iruka shouted but his words fell on deaf ears. Kotetsu had tipped over the table, cards and chips flying everywhere along with the breaking of sake bottles. He had pinned Genma to the ground, burying his knee into his chest and holding a kunai above him; hand gripped tightly over the handle.

' _You know_ **nothing** _about what it feels like to have to endure that!_ ' He spat at him vehemently, raging on the inside. He'd had enough of the jeers and taunts, despite how true they were now. Having a relationship in the shadows had ebbed away at him for months, despite him being ridiculously happy with his new lover. Threateningly, he lowered the kunai to Genma's face, his anger boiling as he watched the man laugh.

'You've got some nerve, Hagane.' He riled, egging on the chūnin. 'Do it. I _dare_ you.'

'Kotetsu, don't even think about it.' Iruka said sternly, using his authoritative voice as he spoke. 'He's not worth it, okay?'

Gently, he persuaded the raven-haired to get off the other man, and roughly picked up Genma by the scruff of his neck.

'Genma, go home. I'll talk to you later.'

'It was just a joke, people! Lighten the fuck up!'

' _Out_!'

'Okay, okay, I'm _going_.'

Iruka saw him out before shaking his head and looking over at the other two. Izumo was trying to calm down a raging Kotetsu, hushing him with sweet whispers.

'Tets, go home buddy. I'll be there soon. I have to clean this up...Tets, look at me. Go home. It'll all be okay. Go on.'

Breathing heavily and harshly, Kotetsu squeezed his eyes shut, trying to console himself to speak.

'I’m sorry Iruka.' He said deeply, balling his hands into fists. 'I'll reimburse you for the alcohol.'

'It’s not a big deal. But Izumo's right. You should go home.'

Kotetsu nodded, and turned on his heels, storming out. Izumo sighed and began to pluck bits of porcelain out of the chips and cards, the light reflecting off of them glinted beautifully yet dangerously.

'I've never seen him act like that before. Is he alright?' Iruka prodded lightly, gathering newspaper and a dustpan to collect the shards into.

'We've had a...rough patch to go through.' Izumo stated, trying hard to prevent any information about their relationship slipping out.

'But still-' Iruka pressed, sweeping up the extracted particles into the dustpan idly. 'For him, even that was irrational.'

'Kotetsu _is_ irrational.' Izumo sighed, extracting the larger chunks of ceramic.

'...is everything okay with you two? Normally you two just laugh things off.'

'Things change, Iruka. As do people.'

Right there, Iruka knew what was going on between them, and while Genma's words were harsh and cynical, they were true. Iruka softened his gaze and felt for the two of them. He understood the prejudice that they were facing and it must be hurting them badly. It wasn't fair.

'Izumo.' He said lightly, placing a hand on the working nin's shoulder.  
'Go to him. He needs you...And you need him.'

Izumo glanced up quickly into the tanned chūnin's face, a delicate smile playing on his features. It was then that Izumo realised that Iruka knew, or assumed, what they were, but it wasn't hate behind his eyes. They were sweet, understanding. They were happy.

'...thank you Iruka.' He whispered before disappearing out into the night.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'Tets?' Izumo called out into the darkened home. Kotetsu was once again missing from his border duties and it worried him. He hadn't seen him at all since last night, and he prayed that nothing bad had happened to him. He had checked all of Kotetsu's usual haunts as well as his place but it was as if he had vanished. With a heavy heart, he went to his own abode, his hope of finding his partner wavering as he saw nothing but darkness ahead of him. Vainly, he called out again.

'Tets, are you here buddy?'

Silence returned his calls. Sadly, Izumo dropped his gear onto the table in his hallway, his ears pricked for any sign of movement.

And there it was.

A soft rustling came from the den. Izumo's defences heightened and he slowly and silently followed the sound, fingers poised and ready for his kunai holster. A soft glow filtered from behind the door to his den, dust floating in the small chink of light. Tentatively, with the hairs on the back of his neck raised, he pushed the door open softly, before letting out a gasp.

There stood Kotetsu, garbed in a magnificent black suit, standing in the pool of light, watching his lover look shocked and curious.

'Tets, where have you been? I've looked-'

'Before you say anything-' Kotetsu interrupted, patting his jacket to wipe the sweat from his palms. 'I need to talk.'

'...I'm listening.'

Kotetsu swallowed, his breathing erratic and short. It was now or never.

'I...I know that we started off shakily and...and I was a prize dimwit and everything...' He gulped, trying to find the right words and reaching into the pocket of his pastel black slacks, fumbling a little with an object in them.

'...but I want you to know how much you mean to me and...and I... I was such an idiot for thinking the worst things in life could be...could be us but...'

The words tumbled out of his mouth with no way of stopping them. He was in the final stretch. Quickly, he pulled out a small box and held it tightly in his hands.

'I need you to know that...that...

...  
...that I love you Izumo. I do and...and I know that it's against the code to do this but I want us to be together and I...'

He shuffled over quickly and took his hand in his, flicking open the box and revealing a ring. Not just any ring, but a beautiful gold wedding ring, with a light blue band running through the centre. It shone beautifully in the soft light, and Izumo noticed that he was already wearing an identical ring on his own hands.

'...I know we can't get engaged, or married or anything but... I don't want to lose you and this way...we would know we were together...forever...'

Kotetsu waited with bated breath for an answer, looking into those onyx irises for some kind of clue; any at all, but those eyes revealed nothing. Nothing until a tear leaked out of his right eye which was briskly swatted away.

'Oh shit Kotetsu...'

His heart sank, and he felt smaller than ever before. His mouth dropped slightly and he felt defeated, lowly.

'You're a crazy son of a bitch you know.'

Izumo plucked the ring out and tugged it into his finger, grinning through his fringe.

'But you're _my_ crazy son of a bitch.'


	6. Separation

There was a sense of comfort and happiness emanating from Izumo's naked body as it pressed against Kotetsu's in the wee hours of the morning. He looped an arm around the younger chūnin in his sleep and nuzzled into him more, making quiet little noises in his throat as he smiled. This felt perfect, having the other nin in his arms as he slept. Despite all odds, they had managed to become closer, and it made his stomach glow with ecstasy.  
Izumo was awake, smiling at the way Kotetsu's hair tickled against his pectorals and gazing at his ring. It was every definition of the word glorious: slender, vibrant. It seemed to radiate its own light even though the soft rays of the morning sun filtered onto the two of them through the tiniest gap. It was rather discreet as well, though it felt like it could jump out off of his finger and brag of its own accord. Maybe it was because he had agreed to commit to wearing it, but it seemed much more larger than it actually was. It did give him a sense of purpose though; purpose to protect his partner through thick and thin, and to strengthen his fidelity.  
His heart beat a little faster as he watched the sleeping chūnin, and the way that his eyes darted back and forth behind his eyelids in whatever dream he was having. He assumed it was a good one by the way he was smiling so serenely sub-consciously. If he could, he would have liked time to stop still; just for this moment to continue for eternity. It was serene here, looped in the arms of his lover and listening to the soft breathing of him. Quietly, he dipped his head and placed a kiss on the top of Kotetsu's head, watching him stir in his sleep and smile wider; as if he knew who it was. Everything seemed to be looking up for once, and he smiled softly at the thought.  
A dry throat called his attention which was impossible to ignore. With an exasperated sigh, Izumo quietly slipped out of the sheets and the strong arms binding him to alleviate his thirst. Plucking his discarded boxers from the lamp of all places, he swiftly flew the satin up his legs and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water, reliving the previous hours in his head. What a surprise that had been, and in no way predictable. He had to admit that Kotetsu was full of surprises, though they were good ones most of the time. As he thought over the 'proposal', his finger felt heavier than the rest; almost like it knew he was thinking about it.  
"It'll just take some getting used to." He thought, shrugging off the feeling of impending criticism it was sure to receive. With a yawn, he reached for the pitcher of water in his refrigerator, the condensation on it making his hand moist as he tipped it into a small cup. The water was refreshing as it slid down the back of his throat, leaving a trail of satisfaction as it dropped into the pit of his stomach. A small 'ah' and his thirst had been quenched successfully, placing the cup down softly on the bench and marvelling at the way that his ring glowed in any source of light. He leant on the bench and twisted his finger in and out of the shade, watching it with a smile; the band cutting the centre of the gold in a brilliant electric blue.  
'Izumo Kamizuki?'  
A young voice broke him out of his reverie, and his eyes flicked upwards towards the source. A boy, with hair a deep brown was crouched by the window; his pale skin almost blinding in the morning sun. His expression was blank and he held a small scroll in his hands expectantly.  
'Yeah, that's me.'  
The boy held out the scroll for Izumo to take, his expression still blank; like a canvas before an artist had begun to paint. In fact, by the sheer lack of pigmentation of his skin, one could call him a walking canvas. Quite a fitting name for the artist Sai.  
'Lord Hokage has a mission for you.' Said the young shinobi, pricking his mouth up into a smile which puzzled Izumo considerably. It's not something to smile about, unless he was just happy he'd found the right person. Sure, that was it.  
'Thank you.' Izumo replied, taking the scroll from the gloved hand. Most ninja on delivery tasks left as soon as their job was complete, but Sai sat there, still smiling his forced smile.  
'...you've done your job...you can go now.' Izumo said, trying to say it without being rude.  
'Sorry, I didn't catch your name.'  
'My name is Sai.' The boy smiled, still hovering by the window with the smile on his face. It was getting to be rather creepy and distracting as Izumo tried to read over the mission requirements.  
'Okay Sai. Thanks for the delivery-'  
'Naruto has also told me to deliver more information.'  
Still smiling.  
'...okay. What is it?'  
'He said for you to tell Kotetsu-San that he's not to join you. He has border duties to catch up on.'  
'He's not going to like that.' Izumo sighed, flicking the scroll shut expertly.  
'Thank you Sai. Please tell Hokage-sama that I will be on my way soon.'  
Sai nodded, still smiling and stayed put.  
'...yes?'  
'Why is there a naked man in your bed?'  
'Just go and tell Naruto!'  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x  
'How come I can't go along on this?' Kotetsu said, whining in the manliest way possible.  
'Because' Izumo started, checking over his list of equipment one final time. 'Naruto has you catching up on all of those shifts you bailed on. I kept telling you to show up.'  
'Spoil sport.' Kotetsu grumbled, folding his arms and pouting. He didn't want to have to wait around by himself in a stuffy, mind-numbing booth for hours and stamping papers for countless hours on end from wandering visitors to Konoha.  
'I shouldn't be too long, Tets.' Izumo said calmly, pulling the drawstring of his knapsack tighter with a final flourish. 'Really, it doesn't seem terribly difficult.'  
'What mission is it?'  
'It’s a C-rank at best. It's just an escort mission for some travelling gypsies. Probably two weeks, tops.'  
'That's not the point.' Kotetsu huffed, laying down on the bed with his arms folded still.  
'I don't like being away from you.'  
'Have a little faith in me, Tets. I am a shinobi after all. I'll be okay.'  
'I know you'll be okay. I have a way of knowing these things.'  
Izumo cocked an eyebrow in disbelief.  
'Now I know you're making things up.'  
'No, really. I have a way.'  
'Humour me.'  
Kotetsu held up his hand, bearing his ring at the brunette.  
'The band has a mix of our chakra.' He said, grinning at the look of stupor on Izumo's face.  
'I can't stalk you with it, Baka. It's brighter when I know you're safe and you're okay. If your chakra is depleted or being used, it'll grow more and more dull. Just like mine. It works both ways.'  
'How the hell did you do this?' Izumo laughed, shaking his head lightly at his partner's wit.  
'I have my ways. The point is, when you put it on, you activated it.'  
Izumo shuffled over to the bed and clambered over Kotetsu, straddling him lightly and dropping his face to touch noses.  
'You're always full of surprises, y'know?' He said softly, gazing into the charcoal irises.  
'I do it all for you.'  
'I know.'  
Softly, Izumo kissed the tender lips before him, stirring a reaction from Kotetsu's heart. Normally it would start to beat faster and the endorphins in his brain sent him reeling of pure enjoyment, but something was different today. The lips lingered against each other longer, and his heart stayed beating at the same tempo. It beat harder, but not faster. When they finally broke apart, there was an essence of finality in the way that they let go, almost like they would be stranded away from them. Izumo tried to pry himself away but Kotetsu's hand shot out, clamping over his shoulder.  
'Wait...Iz.'  
'Tets, I have to go soon-'  
'I know, I know...just...let me take a good look at you so I won't forget.'  
Izumo sighed playfully, mussing the spiky hair gently as both eyes looked over each other, drinking in every detail; the way their eyes picked up in the corners when they smiled, the tiny blemishes of skin near-invisible to the naked eye from the sun, but most of all the smiles. They could light a darkened room in a single moment, they stretched so wide it made everything else on their faces light up as well but most importantly, they were infectious. It was impossible to keep the corners of ones mouth turned down when you saw them. They were beautiful; so very, very beautiful. Hauntingly,even, in their brilliance.  
One final kiss and then they broke away from each other, Kotetsu let out a soft whimper playfully, who received a gentle noogie.  
'I love you, Kotetsu. Don't forget it.'  
'I love you too, Iz.' He said softly, sitting up to watch the slender frame disappear in a swift leap out the window. Kotetsu sighed and hugged his knees to his chest. If this was only going to be two weeks, it was going to feel like a lifetime.  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x  
'C'mon Iz.' Kotetsu breathed under his breath harshly, urging the little band to brighten from its dimming state. He watched it through worried eyes, slumped over on the bench on his twelfth shift in a row of painstakingly and torturously mind-numbing gate-keeping duty alone. However, his mind was far from the present as it drifted to terrible and horrible assumptions and conclusions befitting his partner.  
'I guess he's just taken it off...' He concluded, burying his face in his forearms with a groan. This was beyond stupid. However, he couldn't blame the Hokage for his actions. This was the consequence for his previous decisions, which now he was regretting terribly.  
An eternity passed and he was finally relieved of his duties from Raidoū, who was taking the night patrol. Without a second thought, he yelled his thanks and vaulted over the bench, sprinting straight towards home where he would be left in peace to muddle over where Izumo might be.  
What he didn't expect, however, was to see the young blonde standing in his home, a sullen and brooding expression written over his face and his Hokage cloak billowed softly in the unnatural breeze around him.  
'Lord Hokage.' He said, tilting his head to one side curiously. 'I didn't expect you here.'  
'Kotetsu...' Naruto started, slowly dragging his cerulean eyes to look at the charcoal set on the older nin.  
Fearing the worst, Kotetsu gulped, his heart beginning to play a solo in his chest and a cold shiver rippled through him threateningly. This wasn't right.  
'I have some bad news.' The rokudaime started, his irises riddled with pain.  
'I'm afraid-'  
'Oh please god no...' Kotetsu whispered, ice gripping his stomach fiercely and painfully. The best Naruto could do was to close his eyes and press forward.  
'Izumo Kamizuki has died.'


	7. Delirium

It was surreal. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Izumo? Dead? It's not possible. It can't be true. The words washed over him in a torrential wave and his whole world began to crumble around him. His eyes grew wide as the blood drained from his face.  
'Please tell me it's not true...' He said, his knees beginning to collapse from underneath him.  
Naruto said nothing but held out his hand, his fist closed tightly over something. Kotetsu instinctively reached out his hand for it, and the blonde pressed it into the palm of his hand. Izumo's ring, now dull and frigidly cold indented its shape into the rough palm; lifeless and empty.  
Kotetsu wanted to scream, but everything about him was paralysed the moment that ring touched his hand. His vocal chords refused to move, his brain lost all sense of reality. He couldn't move his lips, his tongue and the only sound that came out of him was a rush of air.  
It was then that his lungs gave out.  
And then his heart stopped.  
Shattered and broken he sank to his knees, despair stricken on his face. This was it, there was no escape from the reality of this situation. There would be no more banter between them, no more playful wrestling, no more tender moments.  
Nothing. That's it. There wouldn't be anymore of just...him.  
Before he knew it, he was face down on the floor, tears erupting from his eyes and flowing endlessly until they puddled under his face. Gently, Naruto placed his hand on his shoulder, watching the grown man weep uncontrollably before him. His heart sank. It was painful to watch him looking so fractured and defeated.  
'I was told he fought valiantly.' He said softly, vainly attempting to console the other nin.  
'It's...it's not going...to bring...him back.' Kotetsu sobbed, keeping his head bowed infront of the Rokudaime. The tiniest amount felt ashamed of his display, but it was pushed away as his mind flooded with a never ending stream of thoughts and memories of his now-deceased love.  
'I know... I understand-'  
'No you don't!' Kotetsu shrieked, snapping his head up to look at Naruto squarely in the eye through his own tear-filled pair. 'You don't understand anything that has happened!'  
His hands pawed the hem of Naruto's cloak as he continued to cry relentlessly, and the blonde stood his ground. He couldn't flinch away at this. This was raw, human emotion in front of him and while it was painful to watch, it was impossible to turn away.  
'He was...he was everything to...to me...'  
'I could see that.' Naruto said calmly, crouching before the older shinobi as he cried.  
'...I saw you when you bought those rings...'  
'What good are they now?!'  
'They'll always be memories-'  
'I don't want fucking memories! I want Izumo back! I want my best friend! I want my...I want my... I just want my fucking Izumo back!'  
'I can't do that...'  
'Then piss off! I don't want your sympathy!'  
Those cerulean eyes flicked away and he sighed as the his hand was roughly brushed off, like it was burning into his skin. He folded his arms and stared out the window, watching the sky change from a coral pink into a blood red; almost like an omen of despair.  
'You are relieved of duties until further notice.' Naruto said quietly and flickered away, leaving Kotetsu in his pitiful state alone. As much as he wanted to, he would have stayed to comfort the shinobi, but he had other matters to attend to that were unavoidable.  
Shaking on the floor with his head bowed again, he sobbed uncontrollably, clutching the cold ring in his hand. It felt so unwholesome and unearthly. He tried to wipe the tears away from his eyes roughly but they refused to stop. Now he was making strange noises in his trachea; weird, inhumane noises that meant nothing but pain and horror. His heart was broken, shattered into minuscule shards that would never be pieced back together again.  
Everything reminded him of Izumo and he suddenly felt suffocated; like the walls would close in and crush him under the pressure. Dragging his paralysed self across the floor, his fingers closed over his dresser as he tried to pull himself up to stand. In his attempt though, he managed to successfully knock over a small frame of the two of them onto the floor. He stopped, fingers fumbling as he tried to pick it up, but he wished that he didn't. Behind the glass their once-happy faces beamed smiles up at him which made what little sanity left in him dissipate.  
A howl of animalistic proportions escaped from his lips and he doubled over even more so, pressing the frame to his chest over his heart. Looking at the photo made his brain snap and nothing made sense. Living with the knowledge that his friend would never return to him was hell. No, living would be worse than hell. So there was the decision, the choice. To end it. Yes, that was it. This would make all the pain go away.  
Slowly, almost robotically he pulled himself up onto his feet and shuffled over to a small set of drawers. Still clutching the photo in one hand he pulled open the middle drawer that held his smaller weapons. An array of his ninja tools winked at him in the low light and his hand reached to pluck out a single kunai; the razor edges glinting murderously with a ruby red tinge from the sunset. Oh, so tempting it would be just to use it now, and he grinned sadistically; his face lined with red rivers from his salty tears.  
It seemed so simple now, as he padded into his bathroom with a new purpose. This way, he could see his friend again forever. But how to do it? Kotetsu ran the tip over his wrist, shivering lightly as it tickled over the veins underneath. He could slash his wrist and watch his life bleed out before his eyes until he was enveloped in darkness forever.  
"That could take too long..." he thought as he raised the menacing edge to his throat, looking at himself in the mirror.  
"But this could work. It could be over before I even hit the ground..."  
His eyes flicked up to look at them one last time but it wasn't his own that stared back at him. He saw Izumo holding the kunai to his own throat, fear written all over his face and prominent in his wide eyes.  
"Don't do it." The reflection whispered, his hand beginning to shake. "Tets, don't do it."  
'I can't live without you!'  
"Yes you can...just don't do this...please."  
'What do I do?' He whispered, losing all of his self confidence. He closed his eyes and started to cry again, still pressing the cold metal to his throat.  
'Iz...help me...' He begged, and looked up again. He saw himself, moments away from slicing his warm flesh and it frightened him. This wasn't right either. What would suicide even accomplish? Only more sadness. Maybe it was because he didn't want to forget him, or maybe it was because he was irrational and too impulsive, but his body acted of its own accord.  
Gripping the handle of the kunai he dropped it from his neck for the tiniest moment before he plunged the tip into his cheekbones, howling as the blood spurted from his face but he pressed on. He dragged the kunai down until the first letter was carved into him.  
I...  
He screamed as he pulled the metal from his face and was struck again, carving out the next letter. Profanities twisted and fell out of his mouth in between his yelps, screams and howls of pain. But pain was the reason why he was doing this. Death had taken his soulmate and he saw no other reason how to deal with this, but to refuse to forget him. He let go of the frame and heard it crack as it made contact with the hard floor.  
Z...  
Crimson fell as fast as his tears, dripping down his cheeks and pouring the sickly sweet copper over himself. His howls echoed around him, pressing into his eardrums as he worked; ignoring the amount of noise he was making. Letter by letter he dug into himself, each time a memory being resurrected in his mind's eye. His smile, his eyes, his laugh...everything about him was so beautiful, while everything he felt about himself was so monstrous.  
U...  
M...  
O...  
Moments passed and he was finally finished torturing his body and his mind. With a resounding clang the kunai fell to the floor, staining everything it touched a hideous red. Ragged, panting and bleeding he sank to his knees, his hands scrambling at his fresh wounds, leaving streaks as he dragged his hands down his face. He clutched the broken photo to his chest, heaving onto it, tarnishing the happy faces with the blood on his hands. He would cry until he had no more tears to shed, but he could bleed. He would bleed so much, let it drip down his features and onto the stark blank tiles; let it collect into a pool around him until even the floor dripped and wept rubies.


	8. Husk

The urge to stay floating in the black was tempting. Here, he could drift along in nothingness to his content, swimming through the ink lazily at his leisure. It was serene here, nothing to distract him from his thoughts.  
Then again, being alone with his thoughts was probably not the wisest suggestion, since all he could think about was the fact that Izumo was gone, regardless of if he stayed in the darkness or came back to reality.  
Kotetsu floated there, thinking about where he'd rather stay, when a soft pressure dabbed at the bridge of his nose. But there was nothing here. Nothing except himself, and he lightly trailed his fingers over his cheekbones; feeling the slices of the letters carved by his hand form underneath his fingertips. The light dabbing continued and it felt strange. He couldn't see anything else apart from his hands and body but he could physically feel this. Something brushed against his cheek and he quickly whipped his face around to glance over his shoulder.  
Nothing.  
So what was this? Where was this coming from? Panic abhorred his steady stream of thought and turned his mind erratic. Was he being attacked? How can he defend against something he couldn't see? He waved his hands in front of him quickly, clutching at empty space. Suddenly, blood erupted from his wounds and flooded over his body, and the darkness began to fill with his own blood. It poured relentlessly and started to rise. His hands gripped at his face, trying to stop the flow but it was useless. The sickly sweet copper seeped between his fingers and added to the flood. His breathing became gasps, his eyes widened before he squeezed them shut tightly, saying a prayer before his head became submerged in the crimson sea.  
With a painful and ragged intake of breath, Kotetsu sat bolt upright, panting and covered in cold sweats. His vision was blurred and his head thudded painfully in his temples. His wrist ached and he shook his head, still panting and gasping for air when a voice broke through his eardrums.  
'...-tsu...Kotetsu...calm down...it's okay!'  
Wide-eyed with fear he turned his head slowly and the tanned face of Iruka swam in and out of focus until his vision cleared up.  
'Kotetesu, breathe.' Iruka said calmly, gently trying to push the other chūnin back to lay down.  
'It’s okay...I'm here...easy now.'  
'Iruka...' Kotetsu breathed, his head hurting considerably now.  
'What...what are you doing here?'  
'I'm looking after you.' Iruka said calmly, the panic in Kotetsu's system slowly leaking out of him at the comfort in his voice.  
'Naruto's orders.'  
'I don't... Don't need to be... Since when do you have whiskers?'  
Iruka's hand brushed his chin instinctively before he let out a light, breathy laugh. Indeed, copper whiskers had developed into a small fuzz over his chin.  
'Since I've been waiting for you to wake up.'  
'What do you mean?' Kotetsu asked, confused as he looked around bleakly. This was his room, no doubt, but it felt different: empty even. He looked at his right wrist and noticed an IV drip attached into him, eyes following the clear tube back up to the transparent bag suspended next to him.  
'What’s happened to me?' He asked, suddenly feeling very weak and limp.  
'Well, Naruto asked me to check up on you when...anyway, I came around and all I find is you passed out on the floor coated in blood...practically swimming in it.'  
'That was only yesterday...'  
'Kotetsu, you've been in a coma for seventy-two hours.'  
'Huh?!'  
'It's true, believe me. Sakura's been here, hence that.'  
Iruka pointed to the IV, before moving a small tub off of the bed.  
'Hold still. You've opened your cuts up again.'  
Kotetsu's fingers flew up to his face and dabbed lightly, taking them back and watching a light drop of blood trickle off the tip.  
'What have I done?' He breathed, sickened by the sight of his own blood.  
'Do you want the truth or a rhetoric answer?' Iruka said, smearing a lime-green ointment onto Kotetsu's face lightly and rubbing it into his wounds. Kotetsu sat in silence, shaking his head lightly as Iruka worked, the strange-smelling ointment wafting up his nose.  
'What is this?' He said, trying to turn his face away from Iruka's hand as he went to apply more.  
'It's a scar ointment.' He said simply. 'Stop wriggling! Trust me this will help you. You've done some severe damage to yourself.'  
'But it smells funky.'  
'Kotetsu, please behave.' He sighed, waiting for him to turn his face back towards him.  
'I know it's a little rank, but trust me when I say that this is going to help it heal. I use it on my own.'  
Slowly, Kotetsu turned his face back to him, pouting like a child.  
'Okay...' He conceded, letting the tanned chūnin apply the last amount of medicine and letting him rub it into his lacerations.  
'There. That wasn't so bad, was it?'  
'No...'  
'Kotetsu...are you okay?'  
'...I have to piss something awful.'  
'Nngn, you haven't realised yet?'  
'Realised what?'  
Iruka sighed and pointed at the bed with one finger.  
'Huh?'  
'Look under.'  
Curiously, Kotetsu lifted his quilt and a look of surprise crossed his face before one of grotesque swapped over. Catheter. Of course.  
'Oh.'  
'Sakura told me not to let you take it out until you've been awake for a while.'  
'...serious?'  
'Completely. Just in case you get put back in a coma.'  
'Can I sit up then?'  
'If it'll take your mind off of it, sure. Here let me help.'  
'Thanks.'  
Kotetsu felt very weak and drained just from simply sitting up. He felt woozy and the room was spinning. Iruka held him steady and looked him in the eye, trying not to stare at the blatantly obvious name of his deceased partner staring at him in a mixture of lime and ruby red letters.  
'I'll ask you again...are you okay Kotetsu?'  
Yes.  
No.  
Yes. Yes. Yes he was.  
'No...' He said quietly, avoiding Iruka's soft brown eyes. He'd like to lie to himself, to tell him that he really was okay. But how could he be alright? The last thing he remembered was carving out Izumo's name in his face. In his face for crying out loud! Iruka's hand squeezed lightly on his shoulder sympathetically.  
'You've both met with terrible fates, haven't you?' Iruka said quietly, his hand slowly massaging Kotetsu's shoulder, as if trying to rub the worry out of him.  
'Iruka...I don't know how to feel.'  
This was as true as he could be. Did he feel angry? Scared? Tortured? He had tortured himself enough as it was. Of course, he was upset and gutted, but surely there was more to this? His parents had died when he was too young to entirely understand what happened to them, and, like Naruto, he was looking after himself mostly at a young age. The difference however, he had his grandfather to watch over him, but he had grown old very quickly, and he wasn't around very long either.  
To deal with grief, Kotetsu had always used humour to conceal his grief, no matter how severe it affected him. That's what his grandfather had taught him to do.  
He remembered how his grandfather would sit him on his knee, and tell him that laughter covers all wounds, despite how much it could hurt.  
"If you can laugh, and show the world your smile, you can overcome everything." He would say, and pinch his cheek affectionately.  
"You have the brightest smile in Konoha, Kotetsu. Never let it fade."  
"Never let it fade."  
Unfortunately, the spark inside of him had been snuffed out. It was all too unbelievable how fast his world had come crashing down around him, dragging him down into minuscule pieces along with it. Silently, he started to cry, and his heart felt heavy and it ached considerably.  
'What am I supposed to do, Iruka?' He whispered, trying to wipe the tears away to no effect.  
'You're supposed to grieve, and this is part of it.' Iruka replied calmly, swapping from his chair to sit on the bed next to Kotetsu.  
'And when you need to talk, this is what I am here for. I've always been here for you to talk to.'  
Beneath Iruka's words lay another meaning, but it fell on deaf ears. This didn't surprise him though; everything happened so fast that even he couldn't believe it. Things were going to be different without Izumo around, and the prospect of Kotetsu being his usual self looked bleak. They were always together, inseparable and now, he was alone. His mouth dropped in the corners as he watched the raven-haired sob before him. Iruka would let him cry as hard as he could, for as long as he could. If there was one thing you didn't do when someone was grieving, it was interrupt their flow of emotions.  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x  
A few hours had passed and Kotetsu woke from his short nap; his body unable to take in any more sleep. He felt a tiny bit better, but he still felt hollow. It was getting late in the day; just before sunset. Iruka sat at the window, his hand furiously scribbling away at a pile of scrolls that littered a table and around his feet.  
What confused Kotetsu was how in the world he managed to move a table into the bedroom without disturbing him from his slumber. His eyebrows knitted together as he studied the tanned chūnin, sitting half-naked in the light, his hair cascading down around his face as he concentrated heavily on his writing.  
'That's a new look.' Kotetsu mused, blinking owlishly at a semi-startled Iruka.  
'Oh, this?' Iruka said, not even look down at himself but rather at the scroll he was still writing furiously at.  
'It's not new; I often dress like this when I'm home. It's more comfortable.'  
'Oh.' Kotetsu replied bluntly, still trying to make sense of the small rectangular table propped against the windowsill.  
'...what are you doing?'  
'School work.'  
'But you're not...'  
'Despite the fact that I’m not actually teaching the children, I still have their work to mark.'  
'...that bites.'  
'A little, but I'm supposed to be looking after you.'  
With a flourish, Iruka lay down his small brush and sighed contentedly, yawning and rubbing his hand through his whiskers. His body stretched and a flash of black caught Kotetsu's eye. Positioned in the middle of Iruka's left pectoral was a small tattoo. A spiky revolution with a tail. Very tribal.  
'You have ink?'  
'Hmm? Oh, yeah.'  
'Since when?'  
'A long time ago.'  
These short clipped answers were very unlike Iruka. Normally, he'd go into detail about a topic but he was clearly avoiding the question. It struck Kotetsu as curious, and very odd.  
'You're full of secrets aren't you?'  
'No one ever asked, so I don't tell.'  
Iruka turned his face to the other chūnin, his eyes drooped and tinged with red. He was exhausted, but he had a job to do. This only made Kotetsu feel terrible.  
'Ruru...have you slept?'  
'No, but I'm okay.'  
'Iruka...'  
'I have to look after you...'  
'I will be alright. I'm awake now...how long have you been awake?'  
'Mmmm...around eight days-'  
'Iruka!'  
'It’s fine, it’s fine!' Iruka waved his hands in front of him frantically.  
'I can do this no problem-'  
A yawn betrayed his argument and he made a face of defeat.  
'Please go get some sleep.'  
Iruka nodded, before whipping out one more scroll and performing a seal on the parchment; wherein the scrolls and the table disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
'So that's how you did it.' Kotetsu said, watching him closely and staring at Iruka's tattoo. Well, he liked to think that it was his tattoo he was interested in, but his muscular physique drew his eyes away, scanning over the tanned curves. He shook his head, trying to clear the thoughts in his mind.  
'Are you going to be alright?' Iruka asked, he himself feeling drained.  
'I can't do much except sit here I guess.'  
'Try not to hurt yourself in the process.' Iruka joked lightly before scuffling out of the room. He stopped just before he passed through into the passageway, as if he had recollections.  
'Oh, this is for you.' He said, pulling a small envelope out of his pocket and handing it to Kotetsu. '...I'm just in the other room, okay?'  
Something about the way he said that sent a little shiver down Kotetsu's spine. With cautious fingers he flipped it over and looked at the addressee. His breath caught lightly as he recognised the familiar cursive text.  
It was Izumo's handwriting.


	9. Sentiment

_"Kotetsu,_

_The air's a lot different here near tea country. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm homesick at all, or if it really is different here. It seems...heavier. Only the slightest bit. I think I'll just boil it down to I miss you. I know it hasn't been that long, but I'm already suffering from separation anxiety from you. Heh, call me love struck I guess._

_I'm a little suspicious of these 'gypsies' though...they all seem much too calm. Aren't gypsies supposed to be lively and carefree? Maybe I'm just overreacting, or my gut instincts could be correct. Perhaps that's why I felt like I needed to write this._

_To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm meant to be writing. I just felt the sudden urge that this was important. Well, I know that you're the most important thing in my life. You have been since god knows, and I wouldn't change the world for anything if it meant losing you from my life._

_Tets, you have always been my soulmate, even before we became an item. I know that everything you've ever done is just to look out for me. Even from the stupid times in the academy together when we were almost kicked out for our mishaps. Gee, they were some fun times though, weren't they?_

_I think my most fondest memory is how we met. Remember how we both ended up in detention and it was just us two? Heh, my wrist was beginning to sound like a cement mixer after all the lines we had to write out. Boy, the sensei in charge wasn't terribly bright, was he? I can't believe that we used a substitution justu and got away with it. The start of a beautiful friendship._

_Y'know, looking over the years now it's been a blessing to be your friend. You're my best friend, and I hope that I'm yours. Well, even if I wasn't, you'd still be mine. You bring out both the best and worse in me Tets. You were the one that taught me how fun life could be. All I had to do is take a few risks._

_Remember when we went cliff diving that one winter break? Sheesh, that was terrifying. I can't believe that you pushed me off the cliff! Still, if you hadn't, I wouldn't realise how fun and exhilarating that was; feeling the rush of the wind and then realising that you're in the salty water, living and breathing still..._

_I think perhaps that may have been the day that I realised I was attracted to you in a way. You looked amazing in the sun, and you've got an impressive set of abs. I have to say, I am a little jealous. I guess you've got a fitting name for the body you possess. Even you yourself used to flaunt around and call yourself 'Konoha's man of steel.' I always laughed, even when no one else did._

_I think that's one of the best things I love about you. You make me laugh so easily. I've never met anyone else that can make me smile anything close to what you can. Your best feature is definitely your smile. Please, please don't ever lose it. In a way, it defines you and if something happens to it, I'll be disappointed. I guess I can let you pass with pouting, because well, I think you look the adorable when you do, but, it you lost your smile...I don't know what I'd do. I'd just pray that there was some way you could get it back..._

_Sheesh, listen to me rambling on. I'm feeling a little bit of a pain in my heart thinking out you, so I am going to conclude this to the fact that I really do miss you. But above all, I absolutely love you Tets. I don't feel like I've said it enough to you, but I do. If...if something happens to me, I want you to know that you get everything; my place, my ryo, my possessions... Absolutely everything. None of these measure up to what you've given me though. You gave me your heart, your trust...even your body._

_Speaking of which, I'm surprised that I was your first. I was certain that you'd had at least once partner before... Anyway, tell me when I get back okay? But I guess I owe you an explanation of my actions so many months ago. I...I know it sounds bad to write, but I felt like I did take advantage of you a lot when we first...did "it", but I wanted you to see that this wasn't something you should have been afraid of or disgusted by. If you hadn't wanted to do "it", I know you would have fought me to stop, but you didn't. I guess deep down you knew that it was okay to be with me._

_And it_ is _okay Tets. This is something that you do with someone you love. I can't imagine everything that you would have been through beforehand, but I wanted you to understand that it's natural and you should never feel ashamed of who you are or who you love, because love does not choose or favour somebody. It usually strikes at the stupidest times, but when you know it's true love when the feeling doesn't go away, not ever. I know this because I've had to feel it for so many years. I, too, was afraid to tell you. I'm so sorry for not saying anything sooner, if I knew how happy you would have made me._

_...There's a lot of things I'd like to ask you, but I'm running out of light and time to write. I also have had to do something terrible._

_I've sent back my ring with you. I've had to take it off because a few things had gone missing within our packs and even from us when we sleep. The general consensus is that the gypsies are taking things and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I lost it. So I figure sending it back to you is going to ensure it be in the safest place it can ever be. I apologise if this makes you worry. I understand the connections between them, but I want to come back to it...I want to come back to **you**. That's all I care about. It's all I ever have._

_It still boggles my mind that we're together. When you 'proposed' to me, it all seemed so surreal. Really though, who in this world could ask me to resist. You are my life, my world. I never thought that we would, simply because I do understand what you see in our...predicament. This village is one of prejudice and judgement, but we've made this work. We can change the way that people think, but it will take some work. All I know is that with you by my side, nothing is impossible. I can't wait to see you again._

_Before I finish, I want to tell you one more thing._

_Kotetesu, you are an incredible shinobi with the world at his fingertips. I want you to hold your head high when we're apart. I want you to look at yourself and feel proud for everything you've become. Wake up feeling proud that you are my everything. I belong to you. Everything about you is beautiful. Handsome yes, but you are beautiful. I get breathless thinking about you. Corny, I know, but it happens._

_I love you Kotetsu. I'll see you around._

_Iz"_

 


	10. Whiplash

Numb. That's all that he could feel.

Just numb.

Hollow.

The parchment laden with the last words that Izumo had ever written was gripped tightly in his hands, and he refused to let go, lest he misplace it and lose it. This explained very little. How did he die? How was Izumo beaten to the point of death? It didn't make sense at all, and it was something that had been permanently stuck in the recesses of his brain since he had woken up.

Kotetsu's eyes scanned over the letter again and again, waiting for some kind of explanation to jump out in front of him, but it didn't. Too late did he realise that rivers were once again pouring down his cheeks and he hurriedly wiped them away, only to have them replaced with a fresh bout of salty tears.

Disturbing Iruka about this was neither a wise nor possible option. He didn't want to disrupt the other chūnin's sleep but it was mainly due to the fact that an intrusive and rather uncomfortable instrument was still probing into his genitalia. He'll be happy to be rid of the cursed tool as soon as possible. All he had to do was wait until Sakura came around next and relieved him. Simply really; remain in a conscious state for a consecutive amount of hours and things would be begin to better.

'Tsch ' Kotetsu scoffed at himself.

'Begin to be better.' He whispered to no one, as he scooped up Izumo's ring and gazed at it sadly, which had sat unmoved on his bedside dresser since the day it was given to him; the day he had broken down, where the walls inside his head compressed his sanity to nothing but a minute iota, the day he mutilated himself...

Fear.

Anger.

Regret.

Everything seemed to be fighting for dominance inside himself and it was beginning to become too much of a burden to try and swallow them down. Restlessly, he pulled open the drawer to his dresser and rummaged about for his own piece of parchment and a small brush.

"Perhaps this will help." He thought haggardly to himself as he dipped the brush into a small inkwell.

"Maybe this might help me loosen up...I hope to god it does."

Slowly, shakily, Kotetsu flicked the brush out in small artistic strokes, his mind reeling and unsettled as he began to write.

_"I want to believe that there's a heaven. I want to believe that you're up there looking over me and watching me down here. So if its true...I want you to see this._

_What am I doing Iz? I don't understand how I'm meant to cope with everything suddenly crashing around me so heavily. When did everything just turn upside down without me realising it? When did reality suddenly decide that you needed to leave without letting me say goodbye? I don't blame you. I never could. It's just... I can't cope with this._

_What am I meant to do Izumo? You were everything to me. You're still everything to me. I want to think that this is all a nightmare, and if I hurt myself enough I'll wake up and everything will be okay..._

_...Fuck, Iz! Who am I even trying to kid with this? I don't want to think about you never coming home. I don't want to think about how I'll never see you again. I want the monsters in my head to go away, but they won't! I need help...I need help..._

_I NEED HELP!_

_All I ever seem to do nowadays is bitch and cry. Everything sets me off...but everything reminds me of you. I can't look at myself anymore because I so stupidly fucked myself up and I'm scarred with you always._

_But what am I saying? How can I ever think that being scarred with you is a bad thing?_

_...This is what I mean, Iz. I'm so fucked up in my head that I'm thinking that everything we did was a bad thing... I know in my heart it isn't, I just..._

_I can't do this._

_~Kotetsu"_

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'Iruka, can I ask you something?'

'Shoot.'

'Why is it that I feel better when you're around? I mean, I just feel a lot calmer and I can think straight.'

Iruka's mouth twisted into a line of concern as he finished wiping the last set of dishes by the sink. He sighed lightly and looked over to Kotetsu who was sitting by the kitchen table. Iruka had slept for a solid sixteen hours and when he awoke, he found a sullen Kotetsu playing solitaire in bed and called for Sakura to free him of his catheter. That was the first time that Kotetsu looked relieved about something; albeit it was only a small hurdle. Still, a good sign.

'I'm not going to lie.' Said the pony-tailed brunette. 'I've been tampering with your emotions. But it's only temporary.'

Kotetsu's brow furrowed at Iruka.

'...explain.'

With a heavier sigh, Iruka dropped his dish towel and took the seat opposite Kotetsu at the table and leant his elbows on top.

'It's a type of genjutsu.' Iruka said, straight to the point.

'It's something that I developed to help the children at the academy focus when they're studying. I use my chakra to balance out the level of endorphins in a person's body and keep it at a steady level so they can concentrate while keeping their emotions in check. It gets a little tiring casting it over an entire room but-'

Iruka's eyes clicked on Kotetsu's, and he shook his head in contemplation.

'You're the hardest person that I've ever had to manipulate, and you're just one man. There's just...you're a full bag of feelings that it's like there's one giant war inside you.'

Kotetsu blinked and kept his brow furrowed.

'Why?' He asked, staring the other chūnin down. 'Why did you do this?'

'Because I don't...I don't want you repeat this.' Iruka said, lightly brushing his fingers over Izumo's name and Kotetsu's mouth twitched angrily.

'Take it off.'

'Are you sure?'

'Do it.'

Iruka's hands twisted into a strange position and broke the jutsu. Instantly, Kotetsu felt a giant force barrel down inside like a ton of bricks slapping down onto him.

'What the _fuck_ Iruka!' He suddenly spat out, standing up roughly from his chair and slamming his palms onto the table, listening to the drinking cups shake from the force.

'What the fuck gives you the right to think you can control me like some sort of sick puppet?!' He raged, bearing down on the other man who flinched lightly.

'You're demented you know?! I'm supposed to be coping with the fact that Iz is _dead_ and you think that _this_ would be a good time to experiment on me?! You're a messed up little _shit_ , you know!'

'They're my orders-'

'I don't give a _flying_ _fuck_ if they're your orders! There's plenty of other ways that you can help me, and one of them would be getting your bastard face to somewhere where I can't see it before I give you another scar to match that pretty little one of yours!'

Kotetsu was panting from the sheer amount of anger his words were dripping with. He dropped his head to glare at the tabletop and tried to compose himself. Before long though, he found his breathing becoming slower and much more controlled. Looking up through his heavy lashes, he could just make out the outline of the queer pattern Iruka made with his hands previously; his fingers curled over to make an open circle while his pinkies made two smaller ones on top.

'I...I-I' Kotetsu stammered, reeling back at his words and wishing that life came with a rewind button. He wanted to take the vehement and vile string of words back and cram them down his throat.

" _That's so weird_." He thought, slowly sinking back into his seat.

'I'm sorry Iruka.' He said quietly, ashamed to look at the other man.

'Can you see now?' Iruka said quietly, unabashed at the sudden outburst against him.

'My job isn't to suppress what you're feeling...just ease it out.'

Kotetsu nodded quietly and swallowed. He honestly hadn't meant to be as aggressive as he was but the dam had burst and his anger flooded to the surface. Impatience, hurt, angst paranoia; they all had gotten the better of him.

'Kotetsu, are you aware of the five stages of grief?'

'The what?'

'I thought so. Basically, there are five stages that someone must go through when they are grieving and mourning, for whatever reason.'

He held up his hand and for each stage, lifted his digits until his hand was an open palm.

'Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. They occur spontaneously and in no particular order. From what I've observed, you've been through denial and depression. And, recently, anger. What you need to remember is that you don't have to go through this alone. It's why we're here and eventually, you'll learn to...pick up the pieces of your broken self.'

'Thankyou...'

'It's okay. I know this is terrible for you to deal with...

...

...

...

...I need to put more ointment on you. Sorry.'

Iruka scraped the chair back and wandered into the bathroom, now freshly cleaned of the offending crimson sea and it stank of sterilising solution. The bitter smell occasionally wafted into other rooms and tweaked up their noses; a harsh reminder of Kotetsu's brash and insane actions. Hurriedly he scooped up his small container of the green rub and a roll of bandages and pelted back to the kitchen, where he applied the cream to the lacerations of a squirming Kotetsu.

'This is the last time I'll do it for you, unless you desperately need me to, okay?' He said gently, wiping away the last traces of the lime-green and picked up the roll of bandages and wrapped one loop over Kotetsu's nose and knotted it in the back.

'There. Now you look a bit more like yourself. And look, it covers the scars perfectly. No one would ever know-'

'Iruka?'

'Yes?'

'...thank you for being my friend.'

'Always.'

The grown men sat in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts until Iruka spoke once again.

'They've held Izumo's body for you.'

Kotetsu's eyes flicked up at this and his heart caught in his throat.

'What?' He breathed.

'They've waited to bury him until you could see him yourself. Sakura told me while you were taking advantage of being able to 'go take a piss' as you put it.'

The thought of actually seeing the deceased body was another thing entirely. Kotetsu felt like he owed it to Izumo that he should. In fact, he knew deep in his heart of hearts that it was what he wanted to do. But actually going was another thing. He swallowed deeply as he thought over it.

'You don't have to as well... We'll hold the funeral and we can go to that still. I can let them know if you can't make it.'

'No.' Kotetsu stated quietly.

'Please. Take me to see him.'


	11. Goodbye

Trembling fingers clicked the last press-stud in place with a small 'pop' on the high collar of Kotetsu's grey long-sleeved shirt. His face, reflecting at him from his vanity: pale, clammy and nervous. Sweat beaded off of him from his temple and dripped down his neck and he felt cold all over.

'Am I doing the right thing?' He whispered to Iruka through dry lips. Since he had made the decision to see his deceased lover, a sudden spurt of cotton-mouth had taken over his throat, making it almost impossible to control his basic functions such as breathing and swallowing.

'I think you are.' Iruka whispered back tenderly, straightening miscellaneous pieces of Kotetsu's ensemble. It had been a while since the raven-haired had seen the light of day and felt the sun on his skin, but this was progress. A step in the right direction towards getting the old Kotetsu back. Still, he could not let this thought get the better of him and set his expectations high. He knew exactly what he was going through. Well, to an extent.

'I'm so nervous...'

'I'll be with you every step of the way, alright? Baby steps...

...

...There, now you're ready.'

While it had only been a few days, the tanned chūnin's eyes calculated and noted the changes in the other man. Eyes that used to sparkle with laughter were now deep and brooding; their playful glint now extinguished to the depths. Cheeks that used to be full of vitality were now slightly gaunt; cheekbones prominent that jutted out more than what they should. Sockets were sunken lightly back into his skull, and the smile that lit up Konoha was buried behind various layers of sadness and was the epitome of a man at the end of his rope; the example of a harsh reality, and it made Iruka's heart sink.

'Are you ready?' He prodded gently, taking the raven-hair's shoulders and patting them gently. Kotetsu nodded and with a rattly breath, shuffled his feet towards the front door, almost afraid to creak the hinges open in fear of bringing the foreboding sense of despair closer to him.

The sunlight was blinding as he stepped out into the bustling streets of the village. He scrunched his eyes shut as a shooting pain shot through his temples from the sheer light but it passed quickly. Everything looked too bright to be realistic, but this was reality and he had to face it. Paranoia ate at him slowly as his feet dragged him towards the hospital; his breath quickened and he could swear that passersby were staring at him. In truth, some were, but only due to the fact that they hadn't seen the chūnin for days. News has travelled from neighbour to neighbour about Izumo's passing, but none knew about the actions that had followed when it reached Kotetsu's ears. He felt that the village did, however, and that all of theirs eyes were ones of disgust and pity from what he did to himself.

'I hate this.' He said out of the corner of his mouth to Iruka, who nudged him gently to keep going.

'What do you hate?'

'Pity. Sadness is one thing. You can be sad for someone, but when you pity someone...it's as if they look down on you...like they're superior.'

'No one is more superior than the other. Besides, don't focus on them. Focus on...what lies ahead.'

Kotetsu's stomach twisted into a grotesque knot. It was painful, and he felt like vomiting profusely on the sidewalk because of it. But he tried to swallow the stiff lump in his throat and pressed onwards.

Before long, the two had reached the hospital; the smell of sterile chemicals once again burning the insides of their noses in an overwhelming force. Corridors, stark as snow, seemed to stretch on for forever and always, and everything seemed much too difficult to commit to. But somewhere, Izumo was waiting for him, waiting for the goodbye that was never given.

Iruka talked in a low voice to the receptionist and Kotetsu watched the understanding dawn across her face. Understanding as well as pity. Yes, there it was, directed at him personally. It left a foul taste in his already dry mouth but he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes. She nodded to Iruka and called over the intercom in short, clipped tones.

'Aoba to the desk. Aoba.'

Almost instantaneously, a bespectacled nin appeared at Kotetsu's left, his sunglasses reflecting the harsh white lights in the lenses.

'Come with me.' He said quietly and turned on his heel. Like sheep, the two chūnin followed at a small distance, Kotetsu's heart pounding painfully like a jackhammer as the blood pumped deafeningly in his ears. His palms were sweating and he groped around in the air for something to latch onto. His palm grazed Iruka's fingers and his hand latched onto the tanned one, gripping the digits tightly. Iruka didn't shake the clammy fingers off though, but instead tightened around the fair hand reassuringly. It was like a father guiding a young boy, afraid to lose them or let them run away.

The walk to the mortician's room seemed like an eternity, and as the three descended deeper into the rear of the hospital, their footsteps echoed around them while the sound grew progressively louder with every footfall; like the ticking of a clock that when the countdown stopped meant disaster.

'I was the captain of the mission.' Aoba said quietly, his voice cutting the silence as he walked ahead of the other two.

'It was meant to be a simple mission, but it was a ploy. The truth was that the so-called 'gypsies' that we were meant to protect were joūnin of an enemy village. They were disguised as travellers and they launched a surprise attack when we had set up camp for the night at the end of the twelfth day.'

Kotetsu's gripped tightened fiercely around Iruka's fingers and bullets of sweat were now dripping down his neck relentlessly. Of all the people to be chosen for this mission, why Izumo? Why couldn't it have been someone else, someone higher up...

'There had been some concern within our group about them, though' Aoba continued, oblivious to the effect it was having on the chūnin.

'Izumo was the first to say something, so he was the first target because of it...he fought to protect all of us...'

Was Aoba crying? Possibly. His voice had cracked lightly on the word "us".

'Even with the amount of damage done to his body, he still managed to take down one of the five attackers...'

Aoba stopped out the front of a white door. This was it. This was where Izumo was waiting for him. Iruka quickly relinquished his hold on the pale hand.

'Unfortunately, I can only let Kotetsu in. We weren't expecting an escort to begin with.'

Kotetsu's narrow eyes widened slightly and they pleaded silently at Iruka for help.

'You'll be okay.' Iruka whispered quietly with a small smile he hoped was reassuring.

'I don't think I can go in alone-'

'Yes you can. I have faith in you-'

'Can I say something?' Aoba interjected, watching a shivering Kotetsu before him.

'...I was there in his final moments...Izumo asked me if I had ever found love. He started talking about someone that was special to him...Although I specialise in mind jutsu, it didn't take a genius to know who he was talking about.'

Aoba's poker face let no reactions taint his façade, but his voice remained as stony as ever.

'His last words were " _don't hate us_."'

That was it. The secret was out.

" _Why Izumo_?" Kotetsu thought, his knees beginning to give out underneath him.

" _Why'd you have to tell?_ "

_ Because we can change the way that people think. _

'Thank you for telling me.' Kotetsu said quietly and stepped inside of the morticians room: the foreboding sense beginning to press down on his heart as he forced his feet to shuffle inwards.

Cold. There was no other word to explain the atmosphere. It wasn't freezing, or frigid. Just cold.

The familiar sense of his emotions slapped down on him again as he distanced himself away from Iruka's jutsu. This time however, it wasn't as ferocious as it had been before. Maybe it was because his body had paralysed itself and it caused him to feel numb from shock value. Whatever the reason, he didn't have an answer for it and for the first time, he welcomed the bland sense of feeling he had.

He knew all too well that the gurney less than ten steps away was the resting place of his once-vigorous partner. If he had to comment though, where he was placed gave the cadaver a brilliant glow; the light filtering in from the window cascaded down onto the brunette in an almost fairytale fashion. Just his face was visible, and his eyes were closed; he almost looked at if he was just pleasantly sleeping.

Kotetsu dragged his feet as close as he could dare, and his heart caught in his throat. His mind whirled with so many questions left unanswered, so many answers that were lost to the ages. Did he really want to see him? Or better yet, did he have the stomach to be able to?

How desperately he wanted to. How desperately he fought to break down the barriers preventing him to do so. With every step he chipped away at the force fields, making a small opening for his confidence to seep through.

'Hey Iz...' He whispered, barely audible over his thundering heart.

'I'm sorry I'm late.'

One more step. Then another. Just one more and he could see every detail on the pale face. He did look like he was sleeping, and that minuscule thought was enough to keep Kotetsu standing there for a brief moment. As his eyes scanned over Izumo's face, those familiar blemishes and sunspots his eyes drank in weeks ago confirmed the realisation of yes, Izumo had sadly passed on through the light.

'I wish it could have been me...you could have made a difference.'

Kotetsu's fingers lightly brushed through the brunette's fringe, edging them over the smallest distance so he could look at both closed eyes. a smile tried in vain to tug at his lips as he remembered something special. That secretive eye that he was the only person apart from Izumo that was privy to. Unknown to every one else, Izumo's eyes were actually two different colours; his left was the heavy coal iris which everyone saw. His right, though, was actually a deep earthy brown; so dark that it almost matched his other eye. Almost.

'You told me I was beautiful, but I'm not anything compared to you. I never will be, buddy.'

He raised two fingers of his hand and pressed them to his lips, before lightly brushing them over Izumo's soft, cold pair. A last final kiss.

'Goodbye Izumo. I love you...'

And with that, he turned away reluctantly and strode out of the cold room without a second glance.


	12. Abomination

Petals from a moulting cherry blossom twisted and floated in the breeze by Kotetsu's balcony and tickled his face as they brushed past. His hand shot out and clasped around a handful of them, to which he breathed in their scent deeply. While the day was blue skies and sun, a steady wind was blowing through the streets making a chill in the air.

While the day was a sad one, he somewhat felt relieved of tension; his muscles were taut but not painstakingly as they had been the previous few days. It was a pleasant moment actually, and he would have been quite content to remain frozen in time to enjoy it to its fullest extent. With a kiss to his closed fist, he threw the blossoms to the wind, watching them serenely as they drifted away into the distance.

'That's everything then.'

Iruka's eyes flew up in surprise at Kotetsu's garb. He was wearing his handsome black suit again from the night he had exchanged rings with Izumo. It wasn't common to see the chūnin dressed in such a tidy way, but he was pleasing to the eye no doubt. The soft brown eyes locked onto a bright crimson kerchief knotted around Kotetsu's neck though. It was eye-catching next to all the black.

'That's a nice touch.' He quipped honestly, pulling Kotetsu's out of his reverie.

'Hmm? Oh, right. It was Iz's favourite colour. It's something that I promised to him months ago...y'know, in case one of us...'

' I get it. It's sweet.'

Iruka's hand touched up the raven-hair's collar and patted it down smoothly with a smile.

'It's nice. You should wear coat-tails more often.'

'Only on special occasions, sorry. You scrub up nice yourself, Iruka.'

'Been a while since I dragged out the tux...I have something for you.'

Fingers swift with expertise clasped a silver chain around Kotetsu's neck; an intricate weave of solid silver wherein Izumo's own wedding band now lay in the midst of his chest. Kotetsu could swear a flicker of blue emanated from the two rings, but it had to be his imagination. Tears sprung to the onyx irises, but this time they were of happiness.

'I thought I had lost this.' He said quietly.

When the two had returned yesterday from the hospital, Kotetsu nearly had a heart attack after searching for the ring and was terribly fragile. Iruka had planned this for a while though, and felt terribly guilty after seeing him in such a harried state.

'I'm sorry. I just wanted to surpr-'

Masculine arms clamped around the smaller chūnin in a bear hug.

'Thank you so much for everything, Iruka. You really are the best friend someone could have.'

'...that means a lot, Kotetsu.'

He patted his back and gave a quick embrace back to the other man. In the short amount of time they've spent together, they had grown considerably close to each other. Iruka was quite fond of him. It's no wonder that Izumo had taken a liking to him as he had. Kotetsu was actually a very sweet guy when you peeled back the layers to the bare minimum. He was naturally caring, and it was easy to gravitate around him. Despite that this was a hard time to go through, tiny elements of him still lingered at the surface; he was always thinking of other people before himself.

'It's time.'

With a nod, the two clicked the door shut behind them and headed to the cemetery.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

It's never easy coming to grips with the death of someone in Konoha. Villagers stood in rows, all dressed in deep black as they bowed their heads in remembrance of Izumo. As Kotetsu and Iruka slowly made their way to the front to pay their respects to the headstone, whispers were spun between people. This time it wasn't just paranoia. It was actually happening. News spreads quickly with haste from one to another. It was atrocious how vast gossip could spread between people.

_'Did you hear?-'_

_'I can't believe they were like that-'_

_'-bad example for our children-'_

_"Ignore them Tets... They aren't important..."_ He repeated to himself, a personal mantra.

_"Focus. Do it for Iz..."_

_'-It's disgusting-'_

Words ate away at him, his anger beginning to bubble and spill over the guard he had placed on himself to stop another outburst happening like yesterday. He was trying desperately to keep it all contained, but it was growing more difficult with each step. The walk felt like an eternity to the gravestone. He wished that if he closed his eyes, he'd be there already and this wouldn't feel like such a difficult task.

_"Keep going Tets. Almost there."_

_'Good riddance to the fa-"_

There. The last straw. That guard broke off and all hell broke loose. Alarm bells rang inside, begging him to stop and breathe but It was pointless. He started to salivate heavily, like a mad dog, and in the blink of an eye, he was already straddled across a hefty onlooker, who was sneering up at Kotetsu's raised fist.

'Finish that sentence.' Kotetsu said vehemently, poison dripping dangerously in rivers from his words.

'Go on. I _dare_ you.'

The butch male laughed at the threat, not even bothering to try and throw the nin off of his chest.

'I said "good riddance to the _faggot_ ".' He jeered, watching the pain behind the onyx irises transform into hate and malicious intent as a simultaneous intake of breath was drawn from the crowd.

'That’s what I thought!'

'Oooh, what are you going to do? Punch me? Like you've got the _balls_ to do so!'

A strong set of arms looped under Kotetsu's underarms and dragged him off of the commoner, fighting to keep him at bay before he could lay a finger for his cruel words. They stung at him, like a thousand senbon needles piercing his heart again and again, every time making him feel dirty at his sexuality.

'Kotetsu he's not worth it!' Iruka said, struggling to keep the squirming body against him.

 _'I don't care what he says about me!'_ Kotetsu yelled, trying to pry himself out of the smaller nin's grasp.

_'But I'll_ **die** _before he says anything about Iz that way again!'_

'That'd be a way to solve everyone's problems.'

'Iruka let _go-_!'

'There's no place for your kind here!'

Foul, vile stickiness dripped down over Kotetsu's eye before he had a chance to react. His mouth dropped open in shock and suddenly, he could feel vibes of hate and detest wrapping their suffocating arms around his throat. So this is how they felt? That he was lower than they were because of one simple factor of his genetic makeup that he had no control over? His hand shook as he wiped the glistening glob of spit from his face; the stench of a mix of cabbage and halitosis sticking to his skin as the saliva and phlegm clung to the pores of his face. All eyes were fixated on him; their gaze staring multiples holes into his body.

'Enough.' A young voice spoke out, cutting the silence.

Naruto stood between the quarrelling men with his arms folded and an impassive expression written across his features. His cerulean eyes clicked onto Kotetsu's helpless eyes and he stooped, handing him a small handkerchief with a softened gaze.

'Here.' He said quietly, waiting for Kotetsu to take the supple material.

'Take it.'

He was paralysed. He tried to will his hand to clutch the offering but he couldn't. Never had he felt so helpless and weak before, and it stunned him. He was a shinobi for crying out loud! He was meant to be the one protecting and helping others. So why was it that only two people had come to his aid?

The Hokage knelt on bended knee and gently wiped the residue of the offending saliva from Kotetsu's, carefully holding him steady with his free hand. Calloused fingers lightly brushed his jawline until he realised that his eyes had sprung with tears and one fell down his cheek. Indeed, he looked like a pitiful child and this was the bullying grounds at the academy again.

'Are you okay?' Naruto asked him quietly, helping him to his feet. His suit was now scuffed with dirt and debris and every ounce of confidence diminished. He couldn't speak, yet again, and shook his head lightly. He wasn't. He didn't understand why people had to be so cruel, even after everything that he had done to protect them. How was it that a week ago he was regarded with respect, and in the bat of an eyelid, he was dusting the dirt from his knees and being spat on like an animal.

Hurriedly, he wiped away the tear trail from his cheek. He no longer wanted to appear weak in front of everyone.

'Thankyou Hokage-sama.' He said in a small voice, all eyes still on him.

'This needs to stop.' The blonde said, making sure that his voice was audible to everyone.

Murmurs grew in the crowd again, setting chills to run down Kotetsu's spine. Knowing that the topic on everyone's lips was him set his teeth on edge.

'Please.' Naruto said to him and giving him a gentle push.

'Please pay your respects to Izumo.'

He turned away to finish his ascent up the lane way, holding his chin up high yet dying in the inside. This was not at all how he wanted to spend the day when it meant so much to him. He had convinced himself that he was not going to cause a scene, but quietly say goodbye to Izumo. Things, however, never managed to go the way he wanted them to, almost as is Kami himself refused to give him a break and enjoyed watching him suffer.

He pulled a small present from a pocket inside of his jacket and placed it before at the headstone. He placed a hand on the grey stone and let it fall to his side.

'I'll come back buddy...I promise.' He whispered before stepping back to let the next person to say goodbye, though it was like the people were convinced that he was something unpleasant and abnormal. Maybe he was in some way, but he was still a human. It made his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. What a way to ruin the memory of a splendid shinobi.

It was Iruka that took up the mantle and stepped forward, placing his own trinket of respect and bowing deeply before the headstone. Soon after, Asuma, Kakashi and Raidoū each took their turns until a steady stream of well-wishers began to form again, but at this point, Kotetsu had already turned tail and walked away from the commodity. Iruka's eyes scanned for the raven-haired but to no avail. He did, however, find the beefy fellow that caused the whole assault on Kotetsu scowling and conversing with a dark-haired woman. Iruka waltzed passed casually and grinned as he doubled back and felt the satisfying feeling of bone cracking upon bone and a spurt of crimson spurt from the freshly broken nose. With a flourish, he flicked most of the blood from his knuckles and walked off nonchalantly; hands in pockets and smiling lightly at the crumpled mess he left behind without another thought.


	13. Recollections

Iruka's apartment had a very cosy sense of grandeur; amber light cast stretchy shadows across the walls and ceilings as a fire crackled and danced in the fireplace. Kotetsu felt more relaxed and at peace since everything went topsy-turvey less than a week ago. The place had a nice atmosphere; one very homey and content, as his eyes took in the series of potted plants and bookshelves that adorned the room. He took another sip of sake from the bottle clutched in his hand and breathed a sigh of satisfaction, feeling the tension seep out his body. He leant back on the floor, stretching out his spine and balancing the bottle in the middle of his bare chest.

Iruka had offered his facilities to Kotetsu without a second thought after bringing him home with him. He had found the chūnin sitting staring blankly into a bowl of ramen with his head in his hands. If anything, he'd have to appreciate the fact that Teuchi and Ayame were such accepting people. It was obvious that would have heard all of the rumours. Heck, Ichiraku Ramen was the haven of gossip and news that was never meant to be overheard, but they still welcomed him in with a smile and even sprung a bowl of their most special ramen for him free of charge. Maybe there were still good people in the world after all.

It only took a little convincing from the brunette to bring him back to his place. Iruka figured that keeping him around for the night away from his place would clear his head a bit. Turns out it was working, and the influence of alcohol was making him ease up even more so. He watched the fire burn and twist freely, enjoying the warmth of the golden glow across his bare skin. He had taken advantage of the shower to clean himself up and rid the feeling of the sticky saliva that he constantly felt on his face. How degrading that situation had been; how sick and twisted the villagers minds were. How prejudiced.

'How's the sake?' Iruka asked, rubbing a towel through his long hair to dry it. He had slipped into a pair of loose sweatpants and his torso naked, just like Kotetsu. In past days, he would have been quite shy about sitting in such little clothing, but the need for modesty around each other was over. They we closer than ever before and both of them looked past the outer shell. Their relationship was special, and both appreciated how important they were to each other.

'Dragonfire.' Kotetsu said, raising the bottle slightly in acknowledgement.

'It's good stuff.'

'Help yourself. I have crates of it that I have to get rid of. I think I'll join you.'

Quickly, Iruka disappeared to another room and returned towel less and a crate of sake in hand and flicking his hair back over his shoulder. With a grunt, he collapsed onto the floor and leant against the lounge, sighing in relaxation and stretched his legs out in front of fire threw a beautiful glow over his caramel skin and the warmth lowered the little goosebumps on his arms. The harsh shadows from the fire only illuminated Iruka's tribal tattoo and Kotetsu couldn't drag his eyes away from it.

'Tell me something.' Kotetsu started, handling his bottle and rolling onto his stomach, his chain glinting golden from the fire.

'What does the ink stand for?'

He pointed a finger at the other man's chest and took a mouthful of his drink. Ahh alcohol. Such a beautiful way to drown the sorrow, especially when the drink lit a fire in his belly.

Iruka glanced down at his pectoral and his mouth twitched, fingers tapping against the ceramic bottle of Dragonfire in his lap.

'It’s my commitment ring.' He said finally, after a quiet moment had passed. Kotetsu coked his head to the side with his eyebrows knitted slightly. Iruka couldn't help but be reminded of a puppy at his action.

'A long time ago...I was involved pretty deeply with someone, to the point where I was willing to share my entire life with them...I can't believe I'm saying this.'

'It's okay to say no-'

'No no...I think it might do some good. I mean, what's the harm in finally getting it off my chest, right?'

'Sure, that's one way of looking at it. You never know, it might make for an interesting story.'

'Hehe, well, maybe...where to begin?'

'How'd you meet?'

'Here. In the village.' Iruka shook his head lightly and smiled, lost in reminiscing his past.

'...Hey? Hey, earth to Iruka!'

'Hmm? Oh, right.

Well... We kind of bumped into each other at the academy-'

'So you were young?'

'Young _er_. It was a few years since I started teaching at the academy. Foolishly, I tried to carry too many things at once back home, and well, one thing led to another and I ended up crashing into them. You can imagine the mess I made; scrolls everywhere, I spilled my ink all over myself and down the hall... Pretty cliché I know, but it's what happened.

'I'm not going to say that it was love at first sight, because it wasn't. If it was, then things would have ended up differently. But, I didn't get my fairy tale ending, as you can tell, but I'm not upset about it. At least I like to think I'm not.

'Anyways, I looked like a complete dipstick, covered in paper and ink on the floor and I guess the look on my face was just as bad because they didn't laugh - well, not immediately- but they just shook their head and helped me pick up everything. It was embarrassing, but then when I said I was alright, that's when they laughed. And then with a little wink, they were off, and I didn't see them for a very long time.'

'So then when did you meet them again?'

'Delivery mission to Takigakure, in an attempt to strengthen ties with the land if fire. It was school break and I needed some fresh air. So anyway, I was paired up with this person again. Never did I expect to see them again, let alone be thrown into a position where I had to spend time with them.'

" _Why is he only using royal terms?_ " Kotetsu thought.

" _That's a little weird, but okay_."

'We grew very close very quickly...you know the kinds of people that you can just get along with so easily, it's like you've known them your entire life? Well, that's what happened...in a way. We stayed there for a while and things were getting very serious between us. I was truly and madly in love, and everything seemed like life was going be perfect. So, we made the pact to get a commitment ring like they do in Takigakure, which are these.'

Iruka brushed his hand over the tattoo absentmindedly.

'They're unisex tattoos. The circle represents eternity and the spikes are the " _flames of passion_ ". Traditionally, the male gets them on their chest, and the point of them is to represent the fidelity and commitment between the two...'

Iruka trailed off for a moment and silence filled the gap between them, broken only by the cracklings and popping of the fire beside them.

'...So I went along with it, but when I came back, they were gone. All I got was a piece of paper and a short message saying that they couldn't go along with this and I never saw them again.'

'That's harsh Ruru...I'm sorry to hear it.'

'Yeah, well, that's not the worst part.'

'What is?'

'...I see them every day now...and I still love them.'

Kotetsu's eyes grew as he took a mouthful of sake, trying to figure out what he would do if he was put into that situation. It seemed like a worse deal than he had. At least he knew that Izumo loved him back, despite their rocky beginning.

'...why don't you tell them?' He asked, trying to amend the silence.

'I can't.' Iruka said weakly, feeling very deflated.

'Why not?'

'Because they don't love me back. I can't bring up the past. For all I know I was just some kind of trial, and I think that's what hurts the most...that's how it all feels.'

'...Shit.' Kotetsu concluded lamely.

'It's not a big deal. I've moved on now, sort of.'

'Mm.' Kotetsu grunted, passing another bottle of sake to Iruka.

'Alcohol helps for a little while.'

'Cheers.' Iruka chuckled lightly, taking a large swig from the bottle and breathing a harsh sigh from the burn.

'So, how did you two get together?'

'Tsch.' Kotetsu tutted, before the corners of his mouth twitched into the tiniest of smiles.

'Oh, what's this?' Iruka mused at the raven-haired.

'Do I detect a smile?'

Kotetsu's prodded his face with his hand, and felt his muscles evolve into something that felt so foreign and abnormal. There it was, plain as day. A smile.

'It was a terrible concoction of Rickety Kate, sake and forbidden fruit syndrome.' He smiled, looking back and realising how silly the whole thing must have looked to a third-party. At the time it was the most horrible experience of his life, but that thought has been knocked out of the park since.

'Forbidden fruit?' Iruka asked, now his turn to cock his head to the side in confusion.

'I knew it was wrong, but it was so addictive that I couldn't stop myself from craving more.'

'Ahh...so the sex was good then.'

Kotetsu flushed a pink: one part the alcohol and two parts embarrassment.

'Yeah okay, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. You wanted to know how we got together, right? Well, it's a case of going right back to the beginning.'

Iruka glanced at the vintage clock hanging overhead the fireplace.

_ 11:26pm. _

'We've got time.' He said idly, shuffling over as Kotetsu grunted lightly and crawled over to sit next to the brunette, dragging the crate of sake in his hand,

'Sit tight. It's a long story.'


	14. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, and the following two are written in first person to assist with point of view and immersion.

'Grandpa?' I started, barely audible.

'What is it, Kotetsu?' Smiled the older, wiser adult before me.

'...What if the other kids don't like me?'

Grandpa chuckled lightly and straightened the collar on my shirt with gentle, experienced hands.

'You know,' he started, brushing down imaginary dust and lint from my clothes.

'You ask me the same question every year, and not once have you ever not made at least one friend and introduced me to them.'

'I guess..' I muttered, my muscles pulling my mouth into a mischievous smile.

'I just don't like to break tradition!' I winked at him and mussed his fluffy grey hair.

'Now, now. Just because your fourteen doesn't mean you need to start acting like you own the village.'

'I promise I won't. I better go or I'll be late for the first day.'

'Remember what I told you Kotetsu. What do you have to do with that smile?'

"Never let it fade!" I recited for quite possibly the ten thousandth time in my life as I ran out the door.

My final year at the academy seemed prosperous and exciting. Of course, I loved to have a good time, and really, having fun was the best way to get through life. Just, more often than not, my sense of humour landed me in trouble more than it did me any good. Don't get me wrong though. I'd studied hard and worked myself into becoming an intelligent and noble shinobi. Finally, it looked like all of my perseverance was going to pay off. The last year until I become a genin.

Disappointingly, the weather was a horrible humidity and it was making my hair limp. I'd spent ages trying to change my look, only to have it ruined by nature. See that's the thing about this academy: we keep switching classes every year we progress and it means we lose contact with the friends we've made the entire year before, so it means having to make yet again another set of friendships...and this is where I have my downfall.

I make people laugh. That's the easy part. The problem is that I get them to laugh at my expense, and that always lands me in detention. It sucks, because it's all fine and dandy to be the class clown, but sometimes, I'd just like someone to have my back, to make me feel like I was clowning around for a purpose.

A bell rang and I realised that I'd been wandering off on a tangent, completely away from the academy. I knew the sound of that horrible ring all too well. Class had started. And I was late.

'Shit!' I cursed to myself and sprinted as fast as my legs would carry me. My feet skidded down the halls until I slid just before my new classroom. Great, of all the things I had to do on the first day and I'm late. There goes my chance of making a good first impression. I rapped my knuckles on the door, only to find myself face to face with a scowling sensei in the standard flak jacket and navy ensemble. He was not happy indeed.

'Name?' He said dryly, pen poised at the ready to mark my name off of the clipboard.

'Kotetsu Hagane' I said, cowering on the inside at the complete glare of disappointment beaming at me.

'Not a good start to the year, Kotetsu.' Sensei said, shaking his head at me and flicking the brush in a harsh line against my name.

'You and I will not be on good terms, it seems.'

'Yes sensei.' I said quietly, and shuffled over to an available seat at the back. The class of children sniggered at stared at me as I walked. I locked eyes with one boy, who wasn't laughing or sniggering at me, but rather blankly staring at me with wide eyes. Then I realised I was staring back and I snapped my head away, ascending the tiered steps to my new seat. I leant my head on my left hand only to find that he was still staring at me though; his mud coloured fringe sitting off-centre and leaning into the right of his face. I raised my eyebrow at him questioningly, before he turned away to the front, the smallest hint of pink creeping over his cheekbones.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'Late again Kotetsu.' Sensei griped, marking that familiar line against my name as I strolled into the room, not even bothering to make eye contact.

'Bite me.' I retorted, taking my familiar seat at the back.

'Detention.'

'What else is new?'

Again, the class giggled and snickered. You'd think after two months of this they'd grow up. Apparently not.

'You know where to go.' Sensei said and proceeded calling the rest of the roll. I slumped back in my seat and half-heartedly listened to the names being called out. Throughout the corner of my eye, again, that same boy was staring at me. I ignored him though, and started tracing patterns absent-mindlessly on the desk with my finger.

'Izumo Kamizuki?'

'Here!' The boy replied, snapping his eyes back to the front immediately. So that's his name. Izumo.

'Okay students. I have to deliver a note to the administration office. I will be back in just a moment. I hope no one tries any funny business.' He shot a look at me and I just smiled innocently at him like the little angel I could be. He turned on his heel and breezed out of the class.

'Hey Kotetsu!' A kid called from the opposite end of the room.

'Show us the "making babies" thing again!'

'Yeah!' A chorus agreed afterwards. This had to be my best shtick so far.

My eyes quickly scanned the room for any signs of sensei returning, as well as listening in for footsteps. So far, his familiar footfalls couldn't be heard.

'Okay.' I complied, bringing out a kunai and a shuriken from the hidden holster on my leg underneath my pants.

'As you all know,' I started, swinging the kunai around my finger via the hole in the back of the handle.

'When a guy comes across a girl who is smokin' hot, something happens. Am I right fellas?' I waggled my eyebrows at the class; the result a smutty chuckle and some boys grew red. It's amazing what you can see from the back of the room.

'However, girls always love a bad boy,' I continued, this time bringing out a shuriken, holding it up by one of the spikes.

'And they just can't stay away from them. It's easy to get them into bed; just dazzle them with a smile, some jokes and play it cool. Then you know what happens.'

I winked at them, and pushed the tip of kunai into the hole of the shuriken repeatedly, making suggestive and terrible sighs and moans, amping it up to the laughter and whoops I was getting. It was such a crude and vulgar humour, but really, anything sexual is funny when you're adolescent.

I was playing out an entire scenario when the sensei came back in. Dammit. I was sprung bad, and I didn't even realise the fact that the laughter grew quieter. Shit.

'Kotetsu Hagane!' Sensei barked at me, his face furious.

'What is the meaning of this?'

To be honest, even I didn't know. I opened my mouth to make up some kind of excuse but I didn't have to.

'It's my fault sensei.'

Eh? What was this kid trying to pull? He was probably the only one trying to hide his laughter from before.

'I asked him to do it.'

Liar. I know sure as hell he wasn't. The request came from nowhere near him.

'Izumo, I'm surprised at you. You know that you'll have to go to detention for this. Don't let yourself be dragged down to his level next time.'

'Yes sensei.'

The kid, Izumo, looked upwards, staring at me. No, not staring. He was looking at me...kindly. I stared back, before musting up the manners to mouth 'thank you' at him. He smiled lightly and focused his attention back to the front for the lesson.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

Detention was a usual haunt for me nowadays. I didn't mind it though, sadly. I craved human company a lot more since my grandpa passed away a month ago, and even the disgruntled nin in charge was suffice. It hurts to think about my grandpa, but I don't want to forget about him either. I think the fact that I didn't get to introduce someone to him before it happened kills me the most. But I can't afford to look weak in front of the other kids, or I'll lose all of the rapport I've developed so far. God, it's not anything to brag about. All I am is a dancing puppet to entertain them. This sucks.

Izumo was trailing behind me, looking petrified as he followed me down the hall. I don't see why. Detention is nothing but sitting in the room, writing out lines and if you finish that before time's up, then you get free time to do anything. I was so used to writing that I'm able to finish it half an hour. That must be a record for recording, I swear.

I held the door open for me and he just kind of blinked at me owlishly, confused.

'Don't worry.' I said, trying to wave him through.

'You're not gonna get hurt. It's not torture here.'

'Oh...' Was all Izumo said, shuffling through and taking a seat in the middle tier. Absolute centre. Oy vey, did this kid have no clue?

The nin in charge gave me a stony look before returning to his book. This was the norm, as I took my usual seat a few tiers from the front. I glanced up at the board to see what sentence awaited me.

"I will not resort to lewd and vulgar behaviour for simply the sake of attention from others and disrupt their study in becoming strong, intelligent ninja."

Emphasis on _intelligent_ , with the slanted writing. Can sensei really be that petty?

It was strange to see another, different sentence on the board along with mine. One written for Izumo. It hurt though, and my mouth drooped.

"I will not let myself be dragged down by Kotetsu."

Really? That's it?

Sheesh.

A little over forty minutes passed and I was finished. It wasn't my most fantastic script: my g's and y's tails flicking out too long and scrawled across the parchment like my brush had been in a fight with a well of ink and lost. Still, I had finished. Two hours and twenty minutes to go.

My hand slid under the bench and flicked a panel of wood to the side: a small, pocket book of poetry falling expertly into my palm. It was something that I hid at this desk a long time ago. I love reading. I'm not stupid. I just act up in the hopes I'll get a friend.

I quickly glanced up at Izumo to see how he was going. His hand was writing furiously and he looked panicked; aghast. I still don't understand why he was here though. Why did he take the wrap for me in the first place? Man, this kid made my head hurt...and he was in my head a lot recently. I just didn't get his angle. His eyes flicked over at me and he blanched even more so. His mouth dropped at how quickly I had finished and his eyes travelled back and forth from me and the board like a tennis match. Some unknown feeling bubbled up inside of me at his reaction. It felt like anger at his reaction, but it wasn't. It was just weird.

I dropped my eyes and started reading my book, savouring in the lyrical words of the poetry. It was s easy to lose myself in literature that I loved it. I love the written word: words are such a beautiful tool. You can both wound and repair someone with them. That's the power of language.

After twenty more minutes had passed, I quickly looked up at the nin in charge. As usual, he had fallen asleep with his feet on the desk. Typical. It's a wonder they even have someone in charge if they always fall asleep. It bewilders me. I looked up at Izumo's muddy fringe again, now beginning to get increasingly darker with sweat.

' _Psst_.' I hissed at him. He looked up at me, pale-faced.

'You can do substitution jutsu right?' I asked, my voice a quiet whisper.

'Yeah, who can't?' He replied, still looking scared.

I pointed out the window to a tree nearby.

'Come on, we're getting out of here.'

'But-but-'

'Quick, before he wakes up.'

He just sat there, staring at me in disbelief. Clearly words were not going to get him up. I hopped up silently on my desk and bounded flawlessly up the tiered benches. I took his wrist and gently tugged.

'Come on, it's easy.'

His mouth was slightly agape and he finally nodded. So quickly it all happened, and then we were free.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'Can I ask something?' I finally asked, as we sat under a tree, my teeth biting into the fuzzy flesh of a peach.

'Sure.'

'Why did you take the fall for the class?'

Izumo looked away, fiddling with his own peach in his lap. There was that pink again.

'I guess I'm just tired of seeing the other kids take advantage of you.'

'They don't take...advantage of me...'

Liar. I know they do.

'Well...why do you let them get you in trouble?'

I shrugged, taking another bite of the sweet fruit, letting the juices flood into my mouth.

'Because I get noticed.'

'You know you don't have to be an idiot to be noticed.'

'I'm not an idiot.' I bit at him, flinching at the snap in my tone.

'I just... I make people laugh to get them to like me.'

'Oh.' Izumo looked away from me and bit into his peach, a flow of juice dripping down his chin.

'Dammit.'

'Here.' I said and wiped the juice away with a small kerchief.

'Thanks.' He said, wiping his hand on his shirt.

'You know, you could always just be yourself around people.'

'I've tried. It hasn't worked well.'

'The real you?'

His question probed at me uncomfortably. What was it about his guy that caught me so off guard?

'I saw what you were reading.' He said, smiling at me.

'I'd never pick you as the reading type.'

'No one ever does.' I said, my turn to look away sheepishly. It felt so natural to open up to him. I liked it. It was like he was a friend...

'People think I'm stupid. I'm not.' I said weakly, trying to defend myself against silent questions.

'I don't think you're stupid.'

'...you'd be the first.'

Izumo smiled and nudged me playfully, which made my mouth twitch into my own smile.

'Hey.' He said, dipping his face in front of mine.

'That's an awesome smile.'

Now I started to blush. I'd pegged this kid wrong from the word go. He was really nice.

'Thanks. I like your eyes.'

It was true. They were so large that I felt like they were always x-raying me. I'd gotten used to them boring into me every day as I took my seat.

'Eugh. I don't like them.' He said, turning away from me.

'Why not?'

'They're odd... I'm trying to grow my fringe out so I can hide them.'

'But why? They're fine.'

'They don't match...I don't match up.'

'You make no sense.'

'No, really. They're two different colours.'

'No they're not...'

'Look closer.'

So I did. He was right. They didn't match up, but just barely.

'That's pretty cool.' I concluded, trying to pull myself away from those irises, but I found it hard to. What the hell?

'Don't tell anyone, okay?'

'Okay.'

'Promise?' He said, holding out his hand to shake on it. I clapped my hand into his and grinned.

'You got it.'

There. That was it. In that single clap, something had developed into something more beautiful than I could ever imagine.


	15. Insecurity

Biting my nails has always been a nasty habit of mine. The problem is that I only bite them when I'm stressed. That could be the reason that I'm hiding in the closet.

Shit.

I don't want to do this.

I blame the alcohol consumption. I'm seventeen and I shouldn't even be drinking, but there was no way that I was going chicken out in front of the collection of people that I call friends. They're a good bunch, but Genma's something different altogether. He's crazy, and I love it, but throwing a party this large in such a small place was asking for trouble. A shatter from the other side indicated that yet another bottle had smashed under trampling feet of dancing and gyrating bodies. Why the hell did he think it was a good idea to throw me a huge birthday party? I don't know even know most of these people. I'm not a ladies man like Iz and Genma. I'm not unattractive. Let's just say that I'm insecure, and playing Seven Minutes in Heaven is not helping.

'There you are.' A cool voice called out into musty closet I was just beginning to find sanctuary in. I knew that voice all too well. Unsurprising, since I'd had an...infatuation with Hana Inuzuka for a long time. She was usually the reason I scampered away to the men's room for a "piss", yet that was nowhere near what I was doing. That was also one of my nasty habits.

'Happy birthday, Kotetsu.' She said, her voice making my heart pump faster. I'd read enough silly little stories to know where this was going. Was she going to want me to live up to expectations? Yep. Pretty certain.

'Heh, thanks.' I stammered lightly, wanting to melt into the collection of cloaks and jackets behind me. I'd been dreaming of a chance with her like this for a long time but it didn't stop my nerves from crashing around in my stomach. She was wearing a skimpy little top and skirt ensemble and smelt distinctively of strawberries. It was so different to what she normally wore that it caught me off-guard a little. She looked very...girly for once.

'So...' She said, inching closer and closer, her hands sliding over my torso and around my neck as she pressed her hips into mine. There was sake on her breath and it made my nose wrinkle lightly.

'Did you want your present?' She whispered into my ear, sending a run of shivers coursing through my body.

My throat seized up and I made a little squeak. It was not classy at all, but I guess she took that as a 'yes' because she started to trail her hands around my back lightly and she push her frame against mine. I could feel a light, warm breath by my jaw and I found myself kissing her pair of cherry-flavoured lips. My back was against a padded pile of coat arms and she had her eyes closed. Mine were not. I won't lie that my head span lightly. After all, I'd been longing for a moment like this for kami knows, but I wasn't enjoying it as much as I thought I should. Maybe if I took it a step further. But I'm inexperienced. I was frigid, shamefully. As far as I was concerned, I was waiting for some kind of "zing" or feeling to run through me, from what I'd read, but the buzzing sensation I had before was subsiding.

Playfully I nipped at her bottom lip and I could feel her smile underneath as she complied. In the blink of an eye, I was exploring her mouth with mine and it was messy. Messy would be giving it a compliment. I have no idea if she was just a naturally bad kisser, or she had consumed much more alcohol than I thought. Either way, this was bad, but she didn't care. Through the chorus of smacking and sharp intakes of breath from the both of us, she picked up my hands with hers fingers; pressing my palms into her chest. I was not enjoying this, but I didn't want to disappoint her, so I played along and groped a little. Well, it got a reaction out of her. She let out a little gasp and started kissing me faster and heavier, and dropped her hand to my crotch, taking her own feel.

She pulled away, and I could swear that she was disappointed. It tingled a little, her hand on me but nothing more. I wasn't up, not even in the slightest.

'Is something wrong?' She asked, the seductive tone in her voice gone and her bite coming back. She was disappointed, for certain, and I couldn't help feeling guilty because I was the reason.

'I'm...I'm...My head scrambled to find words. I kept drawing a blank.

'...I'm sorry.'

Even I knew that was terrible.

'Oh...it's okay...happy birthday.' And just like that she peeled herself off of me and disappeared out of the closet. If I had my way, I'd sink into the floor for a few years and return when everything had blown over. But I didn't. I just slumped against the wall and cursed myself.

Iz poked his head in a minute later, sake in hand and grinning.

'Well well well.' He harped, bringing himself in entirely.

'Someone's had a good time.'

'Sure why not.' I said, still leaning against the wall with my head in hand.

'Hey, what's wrong dude?'

'Nothing...I'll tell you later.'

Iz shrugged and took my arm, dragging me out of the darkness into the dimmed light; studded with colourful red and blue party lights of the den. A series of wolf whistles and playful whoops erupted when we came out together and I couldn't help but blush the smallest bit.

'What have we got here then?' Someone called out, and a string of jeers we thrown out at us.

'What can I say fellas?' Izumo joked to the crowd and pulled me into an embrace.

'The birthday boy's just a little firecracker!' He quipped, before placing a little peck on my lips. All of this was going to be blamed on drunken antics as the crowd roared with laughter.

What I couldn't blame on the alcohol was a sense of lightning running into me and how right it felt to have his lips on mine.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

I don't remember waking up face down in my sheets. I don't remember how I got there at all, and I certainly don't remember the name of the girl draped over me haphazardly. I flinched at the blur of ivory as my eyes cleared, and my head gave a shooting pain that made me slap my palm to my forehead.

'Ahh shit!' I griped, trying to make the room stop spinning. Man, I did not like the aftermath of alcohol.

I slowly plucked the slinky arm off of me and wriggled out of her naked grasp. I couldn't see the face, but I wasn't going to wake her. Surely after everything that's happened, I wouldn't turn around and have sex with another girl.

_...would I?_

I couldn't see her face. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to see it. I could gauge tresses of purple hair and that was enough for me. A girl with purple hair was already out of preferences; that indicated a wild child. I'm all about having fun, not abstract craziness. That's Genma's type.

I successfully managed to creep away from the body, which was now snoring a little. Guilt flooded over me until I looked down and found I was still wearing pants. Hang on. If I'm still wearing them, then I wouldn't have had sex, right?

_Right?_

Precariously I stepped over mounds of bodies that had collapsed or fainted throughout the night. At least someone had the decency to turn the music off so people could sleep. Or at least collapse. I sniffed and thanked Kami for giving me my eyesight back. It was hard work, avoiding the obstacles of drooling, snoring nin sprawled out in what seemed like layers and layers. Finally I managed to make it to the balcony, welcoming the breeze over my flushing skin.

I started to think about when Iz kissed me. I know it was a joke, and just to get a reaction from the others...but my reaction was something that I don't understand. Why did it feel so...good? Why did I feel like someone set off fireworks in the pit of my stomach and like I was being pulled out of my skin? Why was it Iz that made me feel this way? More importantly...why did I find myself wanting it again?

I think I know why.

'Hey, you're awake.'

Of course. It just had to be him.

Wait, what am I saying? It's my best friend!

'Morning Iz.' I said, faking a yawn and turning to him. All I could focus on at first was his bare chest winking at me in the light. I felt a sense of tingles in the pit of my stomach, trailing down my abdomen.

He clapped me on the back and noogied me roughly. Our typical greetings.

'Sleep well?' He grinned impishly at me.

'It wasn't sleep, more like a pit of black.' I joked, breathing in the crisp air and exhaling.

'Hey Iz, who's the chick in my bed?'

'It's Anko.'

'...did we...?'

Iz laughed at me. I, however, was stony faced.

'No, you didn't.'

I breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed onto him.

'Oh thank fu-'

'Gai did.'

I gagged. Literally. I spluttered and coughed and tried not to choke on the lava-like bile creeping up my throat. I heaved past Iz, and his arms supported me to the edge of the balcony.

'In my bed?!'

'Well...you were passed out at that point-'

'Holy shit!'

'Yeah, but don't tell Anko.'

'Why not?!'

'Because she thinks it was you.'

I slumped over the banister with my head in my hands and I groaned. I no longer had a hangover. That news sobered me up enough, but I still felt like vomiting.

'Oh man that's so gross...'

'Well, it's not like you were gonna get with Hana though. Speaking of which, what happened in there? I was certain you liked her.'

'Yeah, so did I but...'

'But.' Iz pressed, leaning his head on my shoulder. That tingling feeling increased, and a part of me wished that I wasn't feeling like I was going to collapse.

'But I think that she's not my...type.'

'So who is your type then?'

'To be honest...I don't know anymore.'

'Eh?'

'Don't worry about it.'

'Well, no no, tell me.'

'What's to tell? I just don't know...who I like.'

I wanted to tell him more, but right now I was fighting back the urge to pull him closer and kiss me again. I wanted to find out. I wanted to convince myself that what happened last night was just a fluke and that everything would turn back to the way it was...but a part of me also realised that it would just confirm my suspicions. I think I am...y'know...

'Well, when you find out, don't keep it from me.' He smiled at me and clapped my hand in his. Again, just a traditional way that we acted around each other, but this time I didn't want his hand to let go of mine.

'Another time, okay?' I said and tightened my grip on his hand before relinquishing it. I was compelled to snatch it back.

But I didn't.

'Hey Iz wait.' I blurted out, before he strolled back inside.

'What's up?'

'Let me look at your eyes.'

'Do you have to?' He blushed, yet at the same time coming back to me.

'Yeah. I'm trying to find something out.'

He looked at me quizzically before pulling the fringe out of the way of his eye.

'Better?' He asked, a violent crimson now adorning his cheeks.

I lost myself in those eyes. I loved the way that they didn't quite make the same colour, but it's these imperfections that make us perfect. To me, Izumo was perfect, and I tried so hard to mould myself to be just a little like him. But what I loved the most was the way that it was reserved for me, just me. My heart literally skipped a beat when I started to ponder just how much _I_ meant to _him_.

'Okay, that's enough.' Iz grinned and flopped his fringe back over. Dammit. I wasn't nearly ready to part with it. He just shook his head at me lightly and waltzed back inside as chipper as anything.

Suddenly, I felt the compulsive need to be perfect around him; my life must be choreographed to the utmost degree, my clothes had to be pristine and everything about me must be flawless. My bubble of content that I had conned myself into believing my entire life was frivolous. The world was changing. _I_ was changing. And without need of any other proof I knew exactly what this meant about me.

I was addicted to my best friend. But I wanted more.


	16. Acceptance

For two years now I've labelled myself as asexual. Not because I was forced to. Not because I was influenced or it was the 'trend', and not because of the lifestyle us shinobi pursue. No, none of those reasons were correct.

I chose to be.

I chose to because I had the misfortune of returning to the apartment that Iz and I roomed in together to find him in the middle of, quite literally, fucking the brains out of the girl he had been seeing: Kaori. They honestly didn't hear me come home through the girl's shrill screams and squeals of "delight", and when it was far too late, I'd seen enough. To them, it would have just been a case of "classic pervert", but what I saw was something entirely different.

I saw myself.

I saw myself being pleasured and stroked by another guy. Not just any guy, no no, but Iz. I knew at that point I was jealous of the fact that it wasn't me in the sheets and I ended up feeling quite cut up about it. I was hurt for a number of reasons; one because I knew it was wrong to be gay, and the second was because it's what I've been subjected for the nineteen years I've been alive.

_"If you like another man, there's something wrong with you."_

_"The normal way of love is between a man and a woman."_

_"Queers are disgusting. End of story."_

It's just the way society in Konoha works. Abnormalities are just weird, which is hypocritical since it stems from a village populated by a bunch of ninja with a vast degree of strange and unnatural abilities. Go figure.

I decided at that point that from now on, I no longer wanted to be bothered with love and romance. Not that I had experienced what love was. As far as I'm concerned, my love is the way I care about both protecting this village and my friend. Especially Iz. I couldn't imagine life without him. I trusted with every article of my existence; simply, he was my best friend. And that's how I wanted it to be.

I developed a way of retaining and suppressing any emotions of attraction and lust. It was an uncommon jutsu, but not impossible. It primarily focused on genjutsu, and this is where I was successfully able to perfect it. Quite like a string someone ties around their finger to help them remember something, except in this case it was my bandage.

Yeah, I started wearing a bandage over my nose because of it. I told everyone it was just a new style I was going for, and thankfully it did look good on me. The purpose, however, of my fleshy material was to be a conductor. I had laced it with my chakra which, at any given time if I felt aroused, attracted or interested in someone, it started to burn. Nothing severe, but the burn would activate a genjutsu on myself and forced me to believe that I didn't have those feelings. I could still feel happiness and sadness, all of the primary emotions, but it eliminated desire.

At first it took quite some getting used to, because I never truly realised just how much I _did_ get aroused daily. The first few weeks my hormones and emotions fluctuated up and down like a yo-yo to the point where I made myself ill. So I tried to calm myself down with comfort food, and it's how I became hooked on pure syrup. Not that I mind that too much. I fucking love syrup.

After a month or so, the use of my jutsu died down a little. I wasn't feeling ill any more but I'd walk around or wake up with these abstract "half-up, half-down" boners and that was painful. So I poured my soul into my training and literature. I worked so hard that I became so proficient in handling weapons that I developed my twin giant blades and conch-shell mace. I was so proud of my efforts that I continued to spar and train until I no longer required the need of my bandage. But I kept it on for two reasons; It was a memento of who I was and I looked weird without it on and two, it reminded me that if I put my mind to something, I could overcome anything.

I knew that my experiment was successful when Iz and I came home after our trip to the Land of Waves to go cliff diving. Amidst his clothes that I was washing I found a small shred of parchment with his writing on it.

 _'I + K'_ , written inside a little heart.

I thought nothing of it. I no longer needed to. I figured it was about him and Kaori and I was no longer jealous. I felt nothing of it. So I partied, I went out on missions, I played cards. I involved myself around so many people that I was a notorious party animal who always drank too much and became the party.

That was probably the reason why I had freaked out so heavily nine years later, when Izumo pinned me to the wall of my own place, pressed his lips to mine and all of the feelings that I had forced dormant inside of me came seeping into my system again. My head and my heart conflicted so much that I felt like I was going to snap in two. My head screamed at me to stop, that this was all a joke and a nasty game of puppetry with my emotions; that this was wrong and it would just pave the way for criticism and hate. My heart told me that this was what I wanted, and all of the memories of me wasting time imagining some kind of perfect life with Iz bubbled up and clouded my thoughts.

I craved his touch and his attention. I wanted him to see me for everything that I could be. All of those years I had spent perfecting my façade now felt pointless and ridiculous. The idea of being with him made me sent a feeling of warmth through my abdomen, and I knew that all of the practiced control over my desire was relinquished and broken down to make way for almost a decades worth of arousal. Why did this have to feel so wrong but so right at the same time?

I wasn't prepared at all to have sex with with him. Or rather, him to have sex with me. It was painful, yet at the same time I couldn't hold back the excitement that it gave me. I honestly felt that a part of me was being restored though; that a piece of me that I had lost along the way growing up was welcoming me back home, that for once I was going to be complete again.

At that point my world was now inverted and everything I had fought and trained for was now coming undone. I knew there would be tribulations and hurdles to overcome, but I had someone by my side to help me through them. I couldn't stop myself from being who I was. If this was what bliss felt like, then I never should have tried.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

It's no wonder that Iruka made such a wonderful teacher. It was his ability to listen to people that made him so highly regarded. He nodded at all the appropriate moments, laughed and empathised as Kotetsu spouted off years and years of buried secrets. He felt lighter than air; an enormous weight dragged off of his shoulders and his muscles eased out the tension. Throughout the duration of his talking, they had managed to wipe out two and a half crates of sake, and their speech was impeded by slurs and hiccups. They did, however, laugh an enormous amount over trivial aspects of life such as copulation and past gatherings and parties.

He had to admit that without Iruka, he would probably not have even considered trying to live again. He may not have even been alive, technically, if it wasn't for the tanned-skinned chūnin who's shoulder he was resting on. Surprisingly, Iruka's skin was flaming hot: a natural warmth battling against the heat of the fire, which had burned down to a small pile of wood and glowing scarlet embers.

When people drink, they start to see things in a new light and don't stop to consider the ramifications of one's actions. Though, a drunken heart often speaks the truth, and at this point, Kotetsu felt that he loved Iruka almost as much as he loved Izumo. However, he wasn't even up to thinking rationally when he tipped his chin up and leaned in to close the distance between he and Iruka's lips.


	17. Trapped

He wasn't sure if it was guilt or remorse that ached his stomach more, but either way, Kotetsu felt ashamed of that he had done. He couldn't help but feel a little bit troubled at how nonchalant Iruka was being about all this.

'...Iruka-' He started.

'Kotetsu, really, it's fine.' The tanned chūnin smiled carefree at him. 'These things happen.'

'But not when-'

'But nothing!' Iruka interjected, placing a steaming cup of tea in front of the raven-haired. 'Honestly, you're making a bigger deal out of this than you should. It was a little making out. That's it.'

'That's not the point I’m trying to make.'

'Then what _are_ you trying to say?'

'I-I...hmm.' Kotetsu faltered. 'I guess I don't want you to think that I've taken advantage of you.'

He blinked as Iruka scoffed and then collapsed into small giggles.

'Honestly, that _wasn't_ taking advantage of me.' Iruka concluded, ceasing his laughter at Kotetsu's impassive face.

'Look, alcohol and loneliness are a bad mix. Things like this always happen when you don't want them to. Just laugh it off and move forward with it. Trust me, there's more important things in life to worry about, you know.'

Iruka sipped his tea and sighed.

'Kotetsu, it's not going to be anything more than what it was. I'm...I'm sorry but as I said last night, if you remember, I love someone else...And I can't see myself ever being in another relationship. And I know that last night we were caught up in the moment-.'

'So why'd you kiss me back?'

Iruka shrugged.

'I just roll with things. It seemed like a good idea at the time.'

'Oh.'

'I think that, hypothetically, if something were to happen...I would only be your rebound...geez, that sounds so harsh.'

'No no, I get it...you never did tell me who you were with.'

'Hmm? Didn't I?'

'Nope.'

'Hmm, I'm sure I did.'

Iruka scratched his scar and retreated to the sitting room, leaving a befuddled Kotetsu at the dining table. He sipped his tea to test the temperature before downing the entire mug in record time.

'I'm going for a run!' He called to the open air.

'Some of your clothes are still drying from the wash.' Iruka chanted back to him.

'Can I borrow a top then?'

'Yeah, there's a hoodie on my desk. Borrow that. Have you got pants?'

'Yes Ruru. They're on me.'

'...Want me to go with you?'

'No...I'm actually feeling...alright.'

'...Okay. Come straight back here afterwards.'

'Yes "dear".' Kotetsu laughed and pulled on the fleecy top, his mouth twitching slightly at how the top of his navel peeked out every time he moved. Geez Iruka was short. And a mother hen.

"Attractive." He thought, and stepped out into the bitter wind.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

Sharp, icy air forced itself to inflate his lungs as his feet pounded heavily through the undergrowth. The forests surrounding Konoha were a beautiful colour palette of moss, lime and emerald greens that blended so precariously by nature that it almost seemed impossible. Streaks of pale light gleaned across crisp leaves and foliage and beamed onto the earth underfoot. A scent of woody oak and grass danced on the breeze and with every intake of breathe filled his sinuses and cleared the grime and heaviness in his brain. It felt so good to be out in the fresh air, instead of being cooped up indoors.

Kotetsu amped up his speed and easily bounded up into the canopy of the wilderness, gulping in the air and relishing in the burn of his muscles. He extended his legs and felt the tendons stretch gratifyingly. Why he hadn't thought of going for a run to feel better, he had no idea, but right now he felt free, flipping and leaping from bough to bough; apple-cheeked from the harsh wind nipping at his bare face and the strip of his navel.

Under his breath he urged himself onwards. Even though it had been just under a week since he trained last, he felt rusty and out of practice. Still, he was pretty impressive and with every step, he felt like he was regaining some of his old spark. With deep breaths, he flipped over trivial obstacles and blockages with ease, grinning as he ran back into the narrow streets of the village.

His success was short-lived however. As he continued to canter, trot and sprint through the winding streets, the acrid smell of smoke gripped at him and his warning signals flared. Something was very wrong. His sharp eyes flicked over rooftops until a charcoal plume of smoke was rising into the air thick and fast. With a swift sidestep he changed course and ran immediately to the source. What he wasn't prepared for was seeing his apartment condo to be blazing away furiously. The creepiest thing about this was that while there were spectators gasping in horror and pointing, no nin were on the scene.

This was wrong.

Kotetsu's eyes widened as he remembered that a few of the surrounding apartments housed children and his heart plummeted. He cursed under his breath and prayed that there weren't any trapped inside. Without a hesitant thought, he crashed in through a window and rolled with the momentum. Smoke filled his lungs and he coughed harshly, cutting off his precious oxygen. Flames blazed dangerously from every angle and he wished that Iz was around to suppress them with his water jutsu. Sadness gripped his heart at the thought but he had to continue. His eyes clicked into every crevice for a sign of life, but the heat was intense and skewed his eyesight.

Wait. What was that?

A tiny plea for help squeaked through the crackles and pops of the blaze. Kotetsu honed his ears to listen in for the sound, and deduced that it was coming from the next room over. Briskly, he tore through a door as a rafter gave way and crashed a hairline away from where he stood. Embers and ash spurted up at him as the flames licked at his heels. Angrily, he brushed off a piece of timber that grazed his arm and sprinted around debris, constantly listening for that little voice again.

Smoke inhalation was becoming a fast problem and he felt like his lungs would burn up before he could get out. But he pressed on, finally reaching a large robe and threw open the doors. Two children, brother and sister were huddled in fear and sobbing heavily in each others arms. Their tear-stricken faces snapped up at him and they froze in even more fear.

'It'll be alright! I'll get you out!'

The doorframe he came through collapsed in a burning heap, blocking their escape. His head whipped around, looking for a sign of exit. Nothing. At this stage he was going to have to break through the walls to get them to safety.

A small bathroom lay to the left and he jumped in, pulling off the thick fleece and drowning it in water before jumping back to the children and pulling the sopping wet hoodie over the two of them. Even though Iruka was short, it managed to blanket them both just enough.

'Keep this on, it'll help!'

He pulled out a small scroll and whipped it open, rushing a few hand signs and summoning his twin kunai blades that were chained at the hilt and struck them into the closest wall. The blades ripped through as much of the structure as possible before hitting blunt against a foundation support. With an exasperated grunt, he picked his scroll up again and pulled it out further to summon his conch-shell mace. He clicked his blades onto his bare back and gripped the handle of the mace and repeatedly struck the foundation again and again until it gave way and sunlight broke through into the orange house.

The fire was getting stronger now as more and more of the house was collapsing around him. Almost every step was littered with blazing rubble and small fiery splints were falling onto his bare skin, burning intensely. He leaped over to the two still sobbing children and picked them up, cradling them into his chest and covering their heads.

The robe exploded with a fiery bang and threw a charred chunk of wood at Kotetsu's retreating back and impaled him . He let out a yowl of pain but kept running to the opening he made, focusing on getting these children out. They narrowly ducked through the hole before the rest of the room collapsed entirely. He jumped and tried to land as softly as possible but his knees were jelly-legged and he fell to his side, keeping the children as safe as possible.

More explosions erupted from the condo and the structure split in two before giving way and breaking in on top of itself. Parents of the fearful children ran over to him and scooped them out of his chest and thanked him again and again vigorously, and fretted over the large offending piece of wood sticking out of his back. The father, a stringy man with short hair was trying to speak to him but there was too much ringing in his ears to comprehend any sound. His flesh was burned, clothing singed and terrible blisters were beginning to crop up in nasty yellow bulges. A terrible, splitting pain tore through his back as the father pulled out the impaling wood and he screamed deafly.

It was such a strange experience, this. He was temporarily deaf and not even the sound of his own voice cut through the ringing. He felt his chest heaving as he coughed up a coppery pool of blood before being hauled to his feet by two pairs of arms. He only had enough time to watch what had been his home be doused by masked ninja as he was swept away by two cat and bird masked ANBU soldiers.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

'Paper bombs.' Naruto concluded, handing Kotetsu a bottle of Dragonfire to steady his nerves.

'They say that was the source of the fire to begin with. However.'

Naruto sat down on the edge of his desk and sipped his own alcohol, watching the swirling liquid whirlpool inside the bottle.

'The fire was started in your apartment.'

'That doesn't make any sense.' Kotetsu said, his brow furrowed and wincing in pain as Sakura's chakra sewed up the wounds in his back. It turns out that he had been impaled several times in the back, but all in close proximity to each other.

'Please sit still, Kotetsu-kun.' She said patiently, focusing the green aura to heal him as quickly as possible.

'Sorry Sakura-chan.' He apologised, trying to behave despite the excruciating pain he was currently in. She smiled at him kindly and tried to work as fast as possible.

'The reports say that a paper bomb amidst others exploded and it started a chain reaction.' Naruto explained, empathising with the squirming chūnin.

'Before long a fire started and then, well, one thing led to another and the condo was caught on fire.'

'But that's not possible.' Kotetsu said, which made the blonde's eyebrow arc.

'Where were the bombs found?'

'They believe that they were in what was your weapons drawer.'

Kotesu shook his head at the Hokage.

'This sounds ridiculous, Hokage-Sama, but I don't keep my paper bombs in a drawer...I keep them in a particular casing and that lives in my refrigerator...well, they did.'

'Why would you keep them in such a strange place?' Naruto questioned, smiling a little at the thought.

'So heat can't set them off accidentally.' Sakura answered for Kotetsu, moving her fingers to brush against the blisters, which had now grown into terrible welts.

'I...yeah, that's right.' Kotetsu said, stunned at Sakura's assumption.

'I'm not an expert at weapons, but they are my specialty so I didn't want to have them somewhere where they could detonate accidentally.'

'So you think this was premeditated?' Asked Naruto, frowning as he thought.

'It's possible.'

'So that means Kotetsu-kun's a target?' Sakura questioned.

'At this point we can't point the finger at anyone or jump to conclusions. However, given the circumstances, it's not a possibility that we can rule out.'

'Great.' Kotetsu grumbled and dropped his head in defeat.

'Is all this because everyone knows that I'm...?'

Naruto's cerulean eyes hazed over with sadness.

'More than likely.'

'Fantastic.' Kotetsu whispered and sighed.

'Don't worry Kotetsu-kun.' Sakura whispered, and cupped his cheek in her hand.

'We'll find them, okay?'

He couldn't help but smile weakly at the pinkette at her comfort. At least these two weren't afraid of him.

'Wait.' Kotetsu piped up suddenly, panic on his features.

'Does this mean that Iruka will be in danger too?'

'I'll set up a team to keep watch for any suspicious activity around him too.' Naruto said, finishing his drink.

'But for now, you need to go and rest. You're staying at Iruka-sensei's, yeah?'

'Mmm.' Kotetsu nodded, watching his skin return to its former glory as Sakura finished up.

'Thankyou Sakura-chan.'

'I did my best...but you're back is going to have a permanent scar...I'm sorry.'

'Don't be.'

'No...not just about the scar...about everything.'

'Oh.'

He wanted to tell them how thankful he was for their help, but the right words just couldn't find their way out of his head. Instead he just bowed as low as he possibly could at the two of them before exiting.

'Wait.' Naruto's voice called out.

'We'll go with you. I need to see Iruka-sensei again...might as well fill him in on the details at the same time.'

'Appreciated.'

As the three of them walked shoulder to shoulder out of the Hokage's office, he couldn't help but feel like someone had painted an enormous target on his back. The scar was bad enough, but this was different altogether.

Kotetsu was a marked man.


	18. Fantasy

When Iruka heard the clatter of the door shut, he thought nothing of it until he sense more than one chakra presence. He kept his guard up but waited on his couch, eyes skipping off the words in Icha Icha Paradise until he could distinguish who was in his place. Kotetsu's pattern was easy to recognise

 _“The second...hmm, a medical ninja... Oh Sakura! She's probably here for a check-up on Kotetsu...  
_  
_“But the third...such an odd one...wait...it's kind of...evil? No, hateful...but now it's pure, kind...”_  
  
_Naruto!”_  
  
He dropped the orange book with a thump and kicked it hurriedly under the chair. There was no way that he was going to let his former pupil know that he had been reading smut. He had too much pride in himself to let him be caught with it.

'Kotetsu, how was your-'   
  
'Iruka-sensei!' The blonde yelled vigorously and threw his arms around the chūnin. Despite being the leader of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, he was only sixteen, and held enormous respect for the brunette.  
  
'Hello Hokage-sama.' Iruka chuckled, patting Naruto's hair affectionately and returning his hug with a tight squeeze.   
  
'Sensei, I told you to call me by my name.' Naruto whined.  
  
'And I told you that you needn't refer to me as "sensei" anymore.'  
  
'I'm still going to, you know-'  
  
Kotetsu watched the two of them banter so easily between each other before Sakura tugged on his hand lightly.  
  
'Let's give them some time alone.' She said quietly with a small smile.   
  
'Sakura-chan-' Kotetsu started, following her to the kitchen and sitting across from her.  
  
'You don't need to add the honorific.' Sakura interjected, blushing a little.  
  
'I only give them to girls I like.' Kotetsu counted with a lofty smile.  
'I just want to ask: why does Hakage-sama address Iruka as "sensei" still? Doesn't he know that he doesn't need to anymore?'  
  
'Well, of course he does.' Sakura answered, leaning on her elbows. 'But Iruka-sensei was the first one to notice him for who he was, and for that, Naruto is eternally grateful to him. He feels like it's disrespectful to him if he doesn't.'  
  
'Hmm. Who'd have thought it.' Kotetsu mused, stretching with a wince as his skin stretched taut against burns.   
  
'Are you okay Kotetsu-kun?' Sakura asked dolefully, her beryl eyes scanning over his skin.  
  
'Yeah, yeah I'm fine. A little sore, but I'm fine.'  
  
'How's your nose?' She probed gently.   
  
'Oh...yeah, it's fine. Itchy sometimes.'  
  
Sakura reached over the table to him, fingertips grazing the fleshy bandage and waiting for a response. Kotetsu’s breath caught lightly, but he didn't push her away. Gently, her fingers pulled the material down and her fingers traced the deep scars lightly. Her mouth twitched into a sad line.  
  
'What was he to you?' She asked in a soft whisper, pressing her green aura of healing over the incisions. They, however, would not heal anymore than what they were.  
  
'Everything.' Kotetsu whispered back, quite uncomfortably. Something about this situation wasn't pleasant, and suddenly he felt quite invaded. Perhaps he wasn't as up to returning to society as he thought.  
  
'I'm sorry Sakura-chan, but I need to go.'  
  
And with that, he scraped back the chair and pulled up his coverings briskly. He had one destination on his mind.  
  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x  
  
Being followed by ANBU Black Ops was unnerving enough as it was, but being followed to Izumo's grave was very irksome. Kotetsu understood why they were there, but he would have appreciated some privacy considering where they were.  
  
The cemetery was quite tranquil at this time of day. Birds twittered incessantly and the sun provided a relaxing warmth with its rays. The slightest breeze tickled Kotetsu's face and blew through his inky spikes with gentle fingers. The grass welcomed his aching body with a cushiony green as he sat before Izumo's grave and placed a thick pot of syrup in front of it.  
  
Words teetered on the edge of his tongue, but something stopped him from talking aloud. The oppressive feeling of constantly being watched lingered over him and made butterflies erupt in the pit of his stomach. He sat in silence for an uncomfortable minute before twitching his fingers through a various series of hand signs and closing his eyes.  
  
' _Demonic Illusion: False Illusion_.' He whispered under his breath.  
  
His charcoal eyes saw something new. The waves of the sea roared and crashed upon the cliff side with a foamy slap. The salty spray tumbled around in the wind and embedded itself onto his skin. The ocean spread out before him in a sapphire blue canvas and shimmered with the white sun. There were no clouds above; just an endless length of aquamarine.   
  
'Look out!'   
  
A pair of hands clapped over Kotetsu's shoulders and roughly pushed him forward. His stomach plummeted as his face stopped inches before the point of tipping over. Just as surprisingly, the hands snatched him away from the cliff's edge and a cheerful laugh floated around him.  
  
'Your face is priceless!'  
  
Kotetsu's jaw had dropped and fear was prominent in his eyes. The blood had drained from his ivory face. His heart was hammering furiously against his ribcage and his palms had begun to break out in a sweat. A shiver ran down his spine before he threw himself into the strong arms.  
  
'Woah, what's up with you?!'  
  
'Please...' Kotetsu mumbled into the toned shoulder, almost at breaking point.  
'Please don't let go of me.'  
  
'Stop being such a wuss, Tets.' Izumo grinned and hugged back with a bear hug and lifted the raven-haired off of his feet. A genuine laugh fell out of Kotetsu's mouth and caught him off-guard. The laugh was so alien to him, as it made him laugh even more.  
  
'Put me down, Baka!' He laughed with a manly squeal.   
  
'Oh geez, are you crying?!'  
  
'Maybe.' Kotetsu sniffled and wiped the tears in his eyes. The colour in his cheeks returned, along with a lovely shade of crimson. His muscles stretched into a broad grin that it almost hurt.   
  
Izumo had never looked so incredible. The sunlight made his ivory chest almost glow and his physique was healthy and toned. His smile hadn't changed and beamed at Kotetsu, making the corners of his eye turn upwards simultaneously. His fringe still covered his right eye, but the bandanna was gone and his muddy hair blew freely into the wind in wispy strands. Too long had it been since Kotetsu laid eyes on that marbled body; god-like in his eyes, and how he longed for those arms to envelope around him again.

‘Well Tets. You’ve seen better days.’ Izumo quipped, pouting lightly over his partner’s appearance. Compared to Izumo, Kotetsu was haggard and badly broken; scars etched into his skin and his burns glistening foully in the white sun. They were both half-naked, with their chests exposed to the elements and loose board-shorts framing their hips. What he wouldn’t give to be perfect at this moment, to look as handsome as he could.

‘I’m alright. It’s the day job remember?’ Kotetsu attempted a half-hearted joke, too distracted by the beauty before his eyes.

‘Our job isn’t to mutilate ourselves, buddy.’

‘…You know, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do…practically everyone does. I mean, I think it’s kind of sweet but-’  
Izumo closed the distance and ran his fingers over the bridge of Kotetsu’s nose, caressing the bandage lightly.

‘I wish you hadn’t hurt yourself so much.’

‘But I-’

‘I know, I know. You were hurting. I think I would have done the same.’

‘No you wouldn’t have. You’re so much calmer and more sensible than I ever could be.’

‘Stop talking down to yourself all the time.’ Izumo griped angrily, shaking the other chūnin lightly by the shoulders.

‘Are you forgetting what I said to you? Hold your head _high_ man! You’re better than this.’

‘I don’t feel like I am though-’

‘Well, _obviously_ you aren’t right now.’

Izumo sighed, and turned Kotetsu around to face the ocean.

‘Look where we are. You chose this place for a reason, so tell me what it was for.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Stop lying to yourself Tets. Why’d you pick here? The spot we used to cliff dive from?’

‘Because… All I remember about this is being…happy.’

Izumo leant his head on Kotetsu’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist with a squeeze.

‘Things won’t get better if you stay in the dark you know.’ He said softly, almost crooning into Kotetsu’s ear.

‘I’m just so… _lost_ without you.’

‘You have friends to help you.’

‘No I don’t Iz. I mean, I have Iruka around, and Naruto’s been supportive but…-’

‘But?’

‘The village hates me. They hate what we are.’

‘I hate that you refer to our relationship as some kind of entity.’

‘No, that’s not what I mean-’

‘Then just _say_ what you _mean_ Tets! Geez, sometimes you _are_ such an idiot.’

‘I just…it’s hard to convince people that what we have is…special.’

‘Then prove it to them. Look, there’s got to be other people in the same position as we were, but things won’t change until someone speaks up about it. One day you’ll spread your wings and fly.’

‘…Things were just so much easier when you were around.’

‘I still am around.’

‘No you’re-’

‘ _If you finish that sentence, so help me I **will** punch you in the balls Kotetsu!’ _ Izumo snapped, relinquishing his hold and glaring at the other man with a fiery gaze.

Kotetsu bit back a snide comment and instead resorted to lying on the grassy mat under his bare feet. Izumo sighed and followed suit, laying next to him and staring at the sky.

‘…Am I insane?’ Kotetsu whispered, a spring of tears in his eyes. He felt so vulnerable, and all of this was just messing with his head so violently that he temporarily lost focus of everything. Izumo’s body flickered in and out and he shot Kotetsu a panicked glance.

‘You can’t keep doing that.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Izumo leant on his side and ran his fingers through Kotetsu’s hair softly; a very effective way of calming the raven-haired down. He watched through onyx eyes his breathing steady and the other pair of eyes stop darting around like a warren.

‘You’re not insane.’ Izumo said softly, and rested his forehead on Kotetsu’s sadly.

‘You’ll get through this.’

'I wish we could stay here.' Kotetsu pleaded lightly, interlacing his fingers through Izumo's and refusing to let go. Izumo's hands were cold; they lacked their former warmth and it felt twisted and weird.

'You and I both know I can't stay here.'

Kotetsu closed his eyes as a single tear leaked out from under his eyelids and cascaded down his face.

'It's time to come back, Tets. The others are waiting...'


	19. Confrontation

If anything, _The Underground_ lived up to its name. New age and dance music blasted through the club from invisible sources, while the stench of sweat and dirt clung to the air with strong fingers. The place was damp and earthy, while skimpily-dressed neko women trailed through, offering their 'services' to an array of customers who scanned them up and down with predatory grins. If the  location wasn't enough to deter wanderers, then the contents inside would. Both Kotetsu and Iruka looked terribly out of place, staring dumbfounded at the scene before them.

 

'Remind me again why we came here?!' Kotetsu nudged Iruka and strained to be heard over the thumping bass.

 

'Naruto wanted to go out, and he invited us. I didn't think he'd be into this stuff!' Iruka yelled back, keeping his eyes on the young blonde.

 

'He's sixteen! He shouldn't even be here!'

 

'He's the Hokage! I'm pretty certain that he can't get away with this if he wants!'

 

'That's one way to take liabilities!'

 

What?!'

 

'I said-'

 

'I can't hear you!'

 

'Never mind!'

 

Even though his head was already beginning to throb with pain, he entered the scummy club and eased himself into a dark corner of the room. Even though the music was deafening, it was a tiny iota quieter here, where he and Iruka breathed a sigh of relief and shook their heads at one another.

 

'Look!' Iruka pointed to the opposite corner.

 

'Kakashi's here!'

 

'Where?!'

 

'Past the...!' Iruka swallowed, a terrible blush reddening his already warm cheeks.

'Past the couple that are...umm..."acquainting themselves" with each other!'

 

Kotetsu followed the direction of Iruka's finger. Lo and behold, the starry-haired joūnin was sitting in the corner of the bar, his eye lazily scanning over the crowd and back down to his bottle of sake.

 

'Should we join him?!' Kotetsu asked, huddling closer to the smaller chūnin in a light form of protection. Iruka was being jostled in almost every direction by sweating bodies and horny men, and he looked like he was about to pass out. The brunette nodded quickly and the two pushed passed the gyrating and dancing bodies around them until they broke through to the other side. Oddly, the music was just a muffled background noise now. 

 

Kakashi's eye turned up in a crescent as he smiled at them through his mask. 

 

'Hello Iruka. I didn't expect you to be here.' Kakashi said pleasantly, offering them a seat at the bar with him.

'Nor you Kotetsu. How are you faring?'

 

'Uh...fine Kakashi.' Kotetsu stammered, butterflies in his stomach. Why was it that he made him feel so childlike? Kakashi was a pleasant person to talk to, but something about him made Kotetsu feel like he was back in the academy, despite the fluffy-haired one only being a few years older.

 

'Why is it so quiet over here, Kakashi?' Iruka said, equally as puzzled by the dim noise. 'You've casted something?'

 

'Perceptive as ever, Iruka-San, aren't you?' Kakashi chuckled and held up three fingers to the barkeep. 

'Though I'm surprised to see you two in a place like this. What are you doing?'

 

'Naruto wanted to have a break, and he came here.' Iruka said sheepishly. He was terribly embarrassed to even utter the words, as if they would curse him.

 

'Are you being parental over our Hokage?' Kakashi chuckled, tipping his head in acknowledgement to the barkeep after three bottles of sake had been skidded across the counter with expert precision.

 

'Maybe. I just don't want him to get hurt.' Iruka mumbled, taking the sake and taking a mouthful, just for something to do.

 

'I think he'll be alright.' Kotetsu said, glancing over for the young Kage. He shook his head a little watching the blonde dance to the music. It was clear he was enjoying himself, and the neko women were fuelling his perverted side. No wonder he chose a place like this.

 

'Kakashi-senpai, what are you doing here?' He asked, his fingertips drumming on the side of the ceramic idly.

 

'Oh, I'm here with a friend.' Kakashi said nonchalantly, looking out into the crowd aimlessly.

 

"Cryptic as always." Kotetsu thought and took a sip of the sake. It burned down the back of his throat and he coughed from the intensity of it.

 

'Junmai!' Kotetsu wheezed, while Iruka and Kakashi chuckled at him lightly.

'You've a hard stomach, Kakashi-sensei!'

 

'Sorry, I should've said something.' Kakashi mused, offering an apologetic look to him.

 

'S'alright.' Kotetsu coughed, composing himself after a minute. 

 

'Iruka, I need to talk to you for a second. Would you mind?' Kakashi said suddenly, and nodded his head towards the male restroom. Iruka glanced a look at Kotetsu with a look quite reminiscent of a deer caught in the headlights.

 

'It'll just take a moment.' Kakashi finished. 'Would you mind terribly Kotetsu if I stole him for just a moment?'

 

'I'll be alright.' Kotetsu assured Iruka and held up his bottle. 'I'll acquaint myself with my drink better.'

 

Iruka nodded and followed the taller nin away. When Kakashi had retreated to a certain distance, the music once again blared at Kotetsu at a frightful volume. His dark eyes searched across for Naruto, just to make sure that everything was alright. Yes, the blonde was in the middle of the dance floor, grinning and dancing with a group of neko girls with a giant grin.

 

A cough broke his train of thought before a low voice mumbled something behind his ear.

 

'Can I talk to you...Kotetsu?'

 

A ripple of shivers coursed through Kotetsu's spine and he glanced over his shoulder slyly. He knew who that voice belonged to. Someone who hadn't even contacted him in a long time. He downed a mouthful of burning alcohol before bothering to respond. If he wanted to talk, he was going to take his sweet time in doing so.

 

'What do you want, Genma?' Kotetsu said callously, barely audible over the music still. His eyes were hazed over, and any sense of empathy in them dissipated.

 

'I'd like to talk.' Genma said impassively, as always chewing on an elongated toothpick. 

'Can we?'

 

'I don't know, should we?' Kotetsu said aggressively, avoiding Genma's gaze. Both were becoming irritable, and Genma grit his teeth defensively.

 

'Look, I'm not asking for a fucking favour. I just want to talk.'

 

Kotetsu slid off the stool roughly and pushed his way gruffly to the entrance. He needed to cool down, just a little bit. A part of him wanted to listen to what the other had to say. The rest of him wished he would just forget about ever talking to him again. 

 

He leant his head against the rough stone wall of the club and took in a few deep breaths. The air was stale and residual cigarette smoke tainted the oxygen he breathed into his lungs. Genma poked his head out and stepped in front of the raven with a lazy gaze, chewing yet again on another pick. 

 

'I wanna...' Genma started, dropping his eyes and looking at the filthy ground. 

 

'What?' Kotetsu bit snidely, rougher than he actually intended. 

 

Genma glared at him slightly and he grit his teeth on his pick momentarily.

 

'I wanna...apologise okay.' Genma said gruffly, looking away again. Geez, he was making this awkward. Kotetsu raised his eyebrow and looked at him scornfully.

 

'Look, don't make this hard for me. I know I'm callous a lot-'

 

'Callous is an understatement.'

 

'Look whatever... I'm sorry about Iz, and-'

 

'Izumo.'

 

'That's what I said.'

 

'No. You called him Iz. That was my name for him. Show him some respect and call him by his whole name.'

 

Genma was getting worked up by the second talking to Kotetsu. He never realised how badly this had changed him. Before, he would take so much on the chin, even laugh off the accusations and nasty jokes. He used to be so open and kind. Not anymore. He was so on edge all of the time, but...could he really blame him?

 

'Okay... My condolences for Izumo... It's hard.'

 

'Yeah, that's one word for it.'

 

'I get why you're mad-'

 

'Bullshit.'

 

'-And I want to say that I'm sorry for being such a jerk earlier.'

 

Kotetsu scoffed and folded his arms over his chest; silently his fingers unlatched one of the clips on his flak jacket and thumbed over the bottom of a tiny scroll hidden inside in preparation.

 

'Genma, you don't understand jack shit.' Kotetsu bit, shaking his head in disbelief at the other nin.

 

'No one does, unless they’re in the same position I'm in, and that's not even possible. Y'know, everyone used to be so kind to me before they found out, and one suddenly I'm this horrible monstrosity of a person that people don't even want to associate with me. Three times I've been refused service in some stores, and I'm sick of everyone looking down their nose at me. It's pathetic.'

 

Genma chewed in his pick in thought, trying to string together a line of words to counter this spiel. Kotetsu just sighed and propped his leg up on the wall.

 

'It's not like I'm parading through the streets about who I am.' He said quietly, staring at a wayward cockroach scampering about on the concrete.

 

'You're not exactly trying to deny it either.' Genma said.

 

'Why should I?!' Kotetsu snapped, rage beginning to build up inside.

 

'What would that achieve Genma?! Really? Besides, it's insulting to deny what I had! What _we_ had!'

 

'All I'm saying is that maybe you should try and do something about it, instead to choosing to just sit around.'

 

In a flourish, the tiny scroll was unfurled and a menacing kunai blade was gripped fiercely in Kotetsu's hands. A walloping kick sent Genma to the ground and Kotetsu pressed his foot onto the other chest and pressed down heavily.

 

'You think I'm not trying?' Kotetsu said menacingly, dropping the blade over Genma's stomach and a malicious look in his eyes.

 

'You think this is what I wanted? What I chose? Fuck sake Genma, you're so caught up in your own fucking bubble of bliss that you don't even care. I didn't ask to be treated like I have some kind of plague, because I don't!'

 

His voice was becoming increasingly steely as his anger flared up and coursed through his system. He enjoyed seeing the other man pressed under his foot with the slightest trace of fear behind his dark pupils. 

 

'I can't help being who I am, and nor should I be penalised for it either! I lost everything over something so trivial and no one cares that I saved two children from dying either! If I died, no one would even think twice about it now, and they'd probably celebrate losing something as fucking dirty as I am.'

 

Kotetsu's breath was heavy, and the blade was so close to being able to slice Genma's flesh open. He was angry; furious but not a murderer. 

 

"Settle." Said a voice in his head. A voice very much like Izumo's. "He's not worth it."

 

Silence and tension grew between the two and they continued to stare each other down until Kotetsu raised his oversized blade and stabbed the cockroach which was trying to crawl up Genma's leg. It was a narrow miss, but the joūnin was unscathed. The raven-haired sheathed his blade on his back and stepped away, leaving the other man behind.

 

'You can wipe your slate clean, Kotetsu.' He called out, still on the ground. 'There are ways.'

 

But his words echoed into the darkness.


	20. Frustration

Iruka’s eyes scanned the dance floor looking for any sign of Kotetsu. When he had left with Genma, an uneasy feeling began to bubble uneasily in the pit of his stomach, and he was finding it hard to concentrate on what Kakashi had to say.

‘Iruka, is there something troubling you?’ Kakashi asked, his lone eye seeming to bore into the brunette’s soul.

‘I’m just...trying to...find Kotetsu.’ Iruka admitted quietly, his eyes still darting around the room desperately as the unease built and overflowed inside of him.

‘Iruka, I’m surprised at you.’ Kakashi drawled mockingly, swirling his sake in his bottle lightly. ‘Surely you would have known by now that he left here at least twenty minutes ago.’

Iruka’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped before he could stop it. He smacked his forehead with his palm before looking at Kakashi with shame.

‘How did I not notice this?’ Iruka groaned, sinking into a nearby bar stool in defeat, shaking his head in his hands.

‘It’s not too late to go get him.’ Kakashi said, putting his hand on Iruka’s shoulder and rocking it lightly. ‘Don’t worry; I’ll keep an eye on our young Hokage. He seems to be happy enough. But you must remember what I told you before. Unless you can find someone to take your place, you have to leave in the morning for an S-rank mission. Surely you understand what that means?’

The brunette looked up and swallowed deeply, fully aware what was at stake. But he needed to look after Kotetsu and to be the shoulder that he so desperately needed to keep him stable. He was caught between loyalty to the village, and loyalty to his friend.

‘Kakashi, would you do me a favour?’ Iruka whispered, his eyes fixated on a small section of the wall where paint was peeling in small flakes.

‘I can do my best.’

‘Whatever happens...look after him. Look after Kotetsu, he needs someone to trust. Can you be that one?’

‘I can’t reciprocate what you have done for him, but I promise to do what you ask to the best of my abilities.’

With a small smile, Iruka picked himself up off the stool and bowed his head to the fluffy haired nin, and fled through the bustling crowd, shaking off the wall of noise that beat down on him as he retreated from the protective bubble of the henge. Naruto caught a glimpse of his teacher fleeing out of the club, but was much too preoccupied with a young lady caressing his chest to think more of it.  

When Iruka stepped out of the club, he found Genma lying in the street, not even bothering to pick himself up after his spat with Kotetsu. A lot of it had to do with him being a little shaken at almost having his testicles sliced open, but he wasn’t about to admit that. Iruka almost stepped on him as he looked up and down the street for any sign of his friend.

‘He went north.’ Genma said, answering Iruka’s silent question.

‘North? Why?’ Iruka questioned.

‘How should I know? That’s just the direction he went.’ Genma said bitterly. ‘All I wanted to do was talk to him.’

‘You can’t exactly blame him for not wanting to listen to you.’ Iruka retorted, arms folded and looking down his nose at Genma.

‘I get it, I was an ass. I wanted to apologise.’ Genma admitted, letting his arms flop out to his sides with a huff.

‘You? Apologise? That’s new.’

‘Iruka, I don’t need the third degree from you as well. I’ve already had enough for tonight.’

‘Fair enough. How long ago did he leave?’

‘About fifteen minutes ago, but he’s not exactly in the best mood. You’re not going to tell him any bad news are you?’

‘Depends on what you define as bad. I have to go...and for god’s sake Genma, get up. There’s a cockroach trying to get into your ear.’

With a swift jump, Iruka dashed off into the night as Genma poked the offending roach away from intruding any further into his ear canal.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

The wind nipped harshly at Iruka’s cheeks as he ran through the maze of houses and buildings through the Konoha, eyes darting around for any sign of his friend. He could barely make out the fresh foot prints of a pair of size fourteen sandals that he knew belonged to Kotetsu; only confirming this fact after playing housekeeper to him for weeks. The more he followed them, the closer he was getting to the village gates. Iruka hoped that they would turn around and turn down another street, but they didn’t. On and on the dusty prints stretched onwards, until he had no choice but to stop at the gate-keepers booth and ask Raidoū if he had seen the other nin. Disappointingly, his suspicions were confirmed, and Kotetsu had indeed left the village. Where on earth had he gone?’

As Iruka’s eyes scanned the ground, he felt ice plummet into his stomach; like most ninja, it was easier to make up ground by utilising the plethora of overhead branches and jumping off of them. As a result, Kotetsu’s footprints looked as if they had disappeared into the ether. Any other day, Iruka would have kept going without hesitation, but time was running out for him to prepare to leave. He had to leave before dawn, and who knows how long it would take before he found his friend.

With a heavy heart, Iruka sighed and turned back into the village. He’d have to leave without saying goodbye, which he was afraid of making the situation worse. In the current state he was in, Kotesu was unstable and prone to lashing out at the drop of a hat. It was only with his tampering that he had managed to begin his healing process, and even then that was being generous. Would Kotetsu be alright without him? Only time would tell.

With a hesitant glance, Iruka looked over his shoulder in a vain attempt to see his spiky-haired friend seemingly appear from thin air. Despite everything though, that wouldn’t happen, and Iruka had no choice but to say goodbye to the wind; only the leaves brushing lightly in the wind to wish him farewell.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-x

Kotetsu gulped in the cold air as his body flopped onto the ground with a soft flump. In front of him lay an unfortunate stump that had been on the receiving end of a myriad of slashings and thrusts from Kotetsu’s giant kunai blade. His encounter with Genma had brought his blood to a hearty boil, and at the risk of hurting him, he felt it best just to walk away from it all. Sadly, he couldn’t spare the same thought about his opponent. After it all, he felt a little better to let off some steam about it all, even if he had opened a few of his burn wounds from over exerting how far his skin could stretch after being caught in the house fire. Small patches of blood were beginning to seep through his grey high-collar clothes, and only now he realised it was all beginning to sting.

Something about what Genma said kept eating away at him, though. What exactly did he mean about being able wiping his slate clean? There were a lot of things in life that Kotetsu didn’t understand, but this had thrown him for a loop. Even if he _was_ able to change things for what seemed to be the better, would he even consider it? Erasing the past would mean having to say goodbye to too many things that were near and dear to him. On the one hand, it would give him some reprieve from the seemingly endless string of bad luck and chaos that was dogging him at every turn. The thought gave him some comfort; the idea of being able to breathe again almost made his heart leap with promise.

On the other hand, it would mean removing all sense of what made him the person he is now, and mor importantly, saying goodbye to Izumo. To remove everything from his previous life would mean the end of something both frightening and beautiful. To say goodbye to the one person that made him feel complete his entire life would render all of their struggles moot, and his current feelings would be a waste of time and energy.

A dark part of Kotetsu’s brain shouted that he should just do it. After all, it would stop the nightmares he was having on a daily basis and finally, he could sleep in peace without seeing the eyes of his soul mate in every blank space. It was like he was in a living terror that he could never wake from. At every turn, he expected to see Izumo’s long fringe and beaming smile but it never came; only disappointment would flood into his heart and he remembered that he wouldn’t ever see it again. So many times he had considered suicide again, but he couldn’t ever bring himself to go through with it. He saw his face staring up at him with pleading eyes in every reflective surface, but the feeling of being a pariah constantly ate away at him. It made his skin prickle and his head ache with a shooting pain that he never could shake, and it made him so tense that he felt like he’ll explode any minute.

Being away from Iruka’s jutsu increased his frustration tenfold, and he felt like the air was being pulled out of his lungs with every breathe he tried to take. Kotetsu just wanted everything to stop, just for a minute, but his emotions swirled around his brain like a spinning vortex that pulled stronger with every turn. He gripped his head and clamped his eyes shut and let out a blood-curling shriek. He screamed into the void until it felt like his soul had left with him, and he didn’t realise that he had collapsed in the middle of the forest, left alone with nothing but the coverage of the heaven’s above; stars twinkling like diamonds studded into the inky velvet of night.


	21. Turmoil

Kotetsu twitched in his sleep, feeling soft warmth wrapping him in a secure comfort. The bitter cold that he remembered closing his eyes to was no longer present, and the blades of grass that itched at his face had gone; instead they were replaced by a soft cushion that hugged the curves of his cheekbones like a gentle hand. His eyelids resisted the urge to open and his muscles refused to move, opting to remain nestled in a bubble of comfort; something that he hadn’t felt for what seemed like an eternity. He struggled as he tried to coax his body into action, and started by wiggling his toes into submission before working his way up his body. Finally, his eyes agreed to open, stubbornly holding on to the last bit of closure before coming into focus.

He didn’t recognise this room.

It was a modest sized room; a nice wooden floor, a modest cream colour on the walls. There wasn’t much in the way of material goods to clutter the room. A humble collection of books lined a shelf to the west wall, and Kotetsu could just barely make out the image of a series of adult erotica that he had seen dotted about in different book stores in the village. Olive curtains had been drawn to filter light softly into the room without disturbing a sleeper. The bed that he had been sleeping in was a modest size, but it wasn’t familiar to him in the slightest. The thing that stumped him the most was a collection of dog beds of various sizes gathered into the corner.

Kotetsu sat up and surveyed the room one more time, wracking his brain to gauge where he was and how he got there. The last thing he remembered was seeing his breath mist up in front of him and the cold burning his lungs as bugs chirped from their hidden shires. He remembered being so angry at everything in the world, at Genma...at himself. His stomach hurt so much from the knot twisted up in his stomach and his heart began to race at the thought of it all. It clicked to him that his emotions were fluctuating at an alarming rate.

‘...Ruru?’ Kotetsu squeaked weakly.

‘You finally woke up, huh?’

This voice seemed to appear from nothing and gave Kotetsu a jolt of fright. He wasn’t sure when Kakashi had entered the room, but Kotetsu was face to face with the starry-haired joūnin.

‘Kakashi?’ Kotetsu blinked owlishly. ‘When did...how...’

He took a deep breath, his face still twisted up in confusion.

‘Where am I?’ he asked weakly.

Kakashi chuckled softly before leaning up against the windowsill.

‘Easy now, no need to panic.’ He said, looking the raven-haired chūnin in the eye. ‘This is my place. You’re in the guest room. I figured it would be a better place to stay instead of the middle of the woods.’

Kotetsu swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. Kakashi’s gaze was boring into him, and he couldn’t bring himself to keep eye-contact. That childish feeling bubbled up in his stomach and he felt uncomfortable being the subject of Kakashi’s steely irises.

‘How did you find me?’

‘Well, the ninja hounds found you pretty easily.’ Kakashi said dismissively. ‘I wasn’t entirely sure where you had gone, and Iruka asked me to look after you for a bit-‘

‘Where’s Iruka gone?’

‘He had to leave on a mission. I’m not sure when he’ll be back.’

Kotetsu shook his head and starting wringing his hands.

‘No, wait. I need him around. I can’t... I can’t cope-’

‘Calm down-’

‘You don’t understand.’ Kotetsu said, gripping his hair in his hands. He could feel cold sweat in his fingers and his heart was racing in his chest. It was beating so fast he felt like he’d been kicked by a horse and his breathing became jagged. All of the pent up emotions were beginning to take their toll on his body and he couldn’t think straight. Iruka had to be here, somewhere. He had develope a twisted dependence on him and his genjutsu to make it through every day. Now he was gone too and Kotetsu was left in a panic attack with a man that made him feel so childish.

A warm hand pressed onto Kotetsu’s head and Kakashi bent down in front of the quaking ninja.

‘Everything is going to be alright.’ He said coolly, forcing eye contact again. Something about this whole poignant action made the whirlwind in Kotetsu’s head dissipate and he took a deep, rattly breath involuntarily, but he needed it.

‘Take another.’ Kakashi said. It wasn’t an order, but it wasn’t a request either. Kotetsu followed and felt his body relax and his heart slow.

‘There, see? Just keep breathing.’

‘...thanks.’

‘Y’know, Iruka said that you weren’t good in shape, but I didn’t think it was going to be like this.’ Kakashi admitted, sitting on the foot of the bed. Kotetsu blushed a little and averted his eyes from shame.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be. Everyone is different. But I think you need to get outside a bit more. Locking yourself up is only going to make things worse.’

‘I suppose.’

‘I won’t make you get up now, but why don’t you come out with me later today. I need to buy a few items, and I could use your opinion on some things.’

‘Oh...okay.’

‘Oh, and one more thing,’ Kakashi flicked the bottom of one of his pockets open and a small scroll popped out. ‘You left this behind. I suppose you might want to finish it.’

He placed the scroll into Kotetsu’s hand and left the room. Kotetsu unfurled the paper and felt his heart drop as he read.

_“Tell me you saw that Iz. Tell me that I'm not just overreacting.”_

Kotetsu remembered writing these words down in his furor yesterday. A rough hand gripped the bottle of sake with an excessive force and almost threw the alcohol down the back of Kotetsu's throat, while the other furiously scrawled across a piece of parchment with an over-inked brush; the black fluid flowing into as many strokes as it could clutch within its running fingers. His handwriting was impossible to read now, but he kept on writing; just to alleviate the burning current flowing through his system. It was a terrible mix: the sake only fuelled the rage of fire inside of him, while writing calmed himself down. Trying to balance the two seemed like an impossible feat.  
  
_"Who was Genma trying to fool? Who the hell does he think he is anyway?! I just know that he was trying to rile me up, I know it. I feel it in my gut. He was just trying to get me to overreact, just so he could go and brag about it later, and boast about how terrible a person I am.  
  
...and for fucks sake, it worked.   
  
I can't take much more of this Iz. Im falling apart at the seams here, and no one can put me back together. I'm sick of this village. I'm sick of the people here looking at me, looking down on me...looking at me with contempt, with hatred... I know that they just want me to go. Some of them look at me like they want for kill me...  
  
...Maybe they should. Maybe everything would be better if I was gone, just so they could have their satisfaction. Just so I could get away from this.  
  
I know you want me to be strong, but I can't do this. I was never the calculating one, I was never the smart one out of us two...I was the bonehead, I was the idiot... I guess that's all I was to people; a toy, a joke. Someone to laugh at; to point the finger at and make themselves feel better about themselves. I was the puppet on the string that just kept on dancing to an invisible tune, just to please someone else.  
  
It's funny how quickly I was there to help someone. Rather, how quick we were to lend a hand, yet when it all came down to it...no one was there to help us.   
  ...I hate the person I've become. I wish I could just turn back the hands of time and make it all stop-"_  
  
The more that Kotetsu wrote, the less he drank. His smudges slowly became legible writing, and the lines cleared up and formed delicate letters once again. His lust for hate, for anguish, slowly ebbed away and sorrow took its place.   
  
_"-... I know Iruka comes into my room at night. He hears my screams from all of my nightmares and he wakes up because of them. I feel him slip between the covers and he just holds me...he tries so hard to comfort me, and I'm just putting him in jeopardy by being associated with him. He won't admit that it's bothering him, and I can see he's worried, but he hides it all behind that smile of his. I wonder if anyone else has noticed the way his eyes have hazed over from fatigue, or that his hair's a different shade because of the stress he's under. The stress_ I _put him under... I watched him put up his hair the other day, and well... He's got a grey strip now...he never had it before. It was always so healthy and even I was jealous of how nice it looked... He knows it's there, and I see him sigh at it. I feel awful._ __  
  
I can't help but feel like I owe him everything... Actually I don't feel it. I know it's what I have to do. I just wish I could change...-"

With a small grunt, Kotetsu scrunched up the scroll and threw it across the room in anger. A tinge of regret ate at him because it wasn’t his house, but he’d pick it up later. Right now, he didn’t want to feel anything and he flopped back down onto the bed, and let the softness of the mattress envelope him. He closed his eyes and forced the darkness in his heart to stay put, until he was ready. This was going to be an uphill battle, and without Iruka’s guidance, it was only going to be harder.

One step forward, two steps back.


End file.
